Beyond it all, Anouk stood, her hands twisted together and her face set in an anxious expression.
‘What is this?’ he demanded, his voice thick through his constricted throat.
He told himself not to believe, not to hope. He needed to wait, and hear the words.
‘An apology.’ Her voice was ragged, no better than his, and he allowed himself a moment to take that in.
To some degree it made him feel better. Still, he jammed his fists into his pockets as if that might stop him from striding across the room and reaching out for her the way he wanted to.
He moved further inside, wanting to kiss her. Claim her.
But by the way her arms were in front of her chest, her fingers knotting together, he had a feeling she needed to explain herself. Though perhaps not before babbling nervously a little first.
He could let her have that, too. After all, he wasn’t entirely sure he knew what to say, himself.
‘I went to see my grandmother today,’ she breathed, a note of awe in her voice. ‘She told me that I had to thank you.’
‘I shouldn’t have ambushed you at the hospital that day.’ He exhaled sharply. ‘I just thought that maybe the location would be the best place for you to feel in control. Strong.’
‘It’s okay.’ She jerked forward, as though she was going to step up to him, before stopping awkwardly. ‘I owe you an apology, for all those awful things I said. They were horrible, unkind. I’m so, so sorry.’
‘Forget about them.’ Closing the gap he caught her hands, trying to make her look at him. If she did, then he might be able to convince her that it really didn’t matter.
She’d been frightened and cornered and she’d lashed out. Hell, he knew that feeling only too well.
‘I can’t. I didn’t mean them...’
‘I know. Anouk, look at me.’ He crooked his finger under her chin. ‘Forget it. Really.’
‘I can hardly believe you did that for me.’ Anouk smiled wanly, and, to Sol, even that was like the sunshine cracking through the heaviest sky after a thunderstorm. ‘I can hardly believe you cared enough to do it.’
‘It wasn’t a big deal.’
‘It was to me,’ she said earnestly. ‘No one has ever bothered to do anything like that for me before. Not unless they thought they could get something out of it. Usually access to my mother.’
‘She did quite a number on you, didn’t she?’ Sol frowned as Anouk pulled away from him abruptly.
‘My mother was...manipulative,’ she confessed unexpectedly, her frankness taking him by surprise. ‘She treated me like a precious daughter in public, but in private I was an inconvenient burden she couldn’t stand to look at. And I was so desperate for her affection that I spent my whole life, whilst she was alive, turning myself inside out trying to win it. I even made myself sick trying to do everything I could for her. For her love.’
‘The fault was never yours,’ Sol said, shoving his clenched fists into his pockets just so that he wouldn’t haul her into his arms.
He mustn’t crowd her. She would come to him fully when she was ready.
‘I know that. Logically.’ She pulled a wry face. ‘But I grew up in Hollywood, where there are altogether too many sycophants willing to excuse my mother’s behaviour and agree that she was a saint and I was a problem child. And I was too young, too needy, too naïve to argue.’
‘So you ended up believing them?’
‘I saw a twisted kind of relationship where people used each other, all the while bandying about the word love. So I learned it can be a flawed, cruel concept more effective as a weapon than any kind of gift.’
Anger barrelled through him that someone as sweet, intelligent, and kind as Anouk could have allowed people who were nothing to drag her down and think less of herself. She seemed so strong, so sure, it was hard to believe it was just an act.
And yet...not hard at all. Because he saw her. Her virtues and her flaws. And he loved her despite them, or maybe for them.
‘I know you don’t believe me when I tell you that I love you, but it’s true, Anouk. I love you with every fibre of who I am and, if you’ll let me, I’ll spend the rest of our lives trying to make you believe that.’
It felt like an eternity that she stood, watching him, immobile. And then suddenly she took his hand in her smaller ones.
‘That’s the point, Sol.’ She smiled. ‘I already believe you.’