So Saskia opened her mouth and uttered the only objection she could think of, under the circumstances.
‘Why?’
He blinked.
‘Why?’ he echoed, and the hint of disbelief was almost her undoing.
‘Why do you want to marry me, Malachi?’
And she was ashamed that it was less a stalling tactic and more a plea. As if a part of her really believed he would say the words she needed to hear.
‘Give me a real reason.’
For a moment he seemed at a loss for words. And then he regrouped.
‘This conversation again, zvyozdochka?’ He managed to inject as much of a yawn into his voice as possible without actually yawning. ‘It is becoming boring.’
‘Maybe for you,’ she shot back, determined to appear undaunted. ‘But since I haven’t had a straight answer out of you yet, I can’t agree.’
‘You’re the mother of my unborn baby, Saskia.’ His voice was low and even, if a little surprised. ‘How much more “real” a reason do you need?’
She didn’t know if it was the words or the easy control in Malachi’s voice which cut through her most sharply. Surely if he felt anything towards her whatsoever there would be at least a hint of emotion in his words?
‘I want...more,’ she whispered at length.
‘More?’
His gaze darkened, his forehead knitting together. She could almost feel the coldness beginning to roll off him.
‘Like meaningless declarations of love, perhaps?’
‘Why do they have to be meaningless?’ Saskia asked, not sure whether she meant it as a plea or an accusation.
‘Because they’re just words,’ he growled. ‘They bring nothing to the table.’
‘They do for me.’
Before she realised what she was doing she was moving her hand across the table. Stopping it halfway between the two of them. He stared at it for a moment, as if actually trying to work out what she was doing. But he didn’t reach his own hand out. Instead he placed his fingers together and dropped his hands to his lap.
‘Not if they came from me.’
He shook his head, and the words were so harsh, so threaded with pain, that it almost broke Saskia apart.
‘I doubt I even have the capacity for love.’
‘I think you do.’
Again he shook his head, and when he spoke, his voice was so raw and rough she was sure she could feel it actually abrading her.
‘No. And even if I did it would be so fractured, so tainted, that it would do more harm to the recipient than anything else.’
‘No...’
There had to be more. They hadn’t spent the past few weeks getting closer just for nothing. Surely?
‘Love from someone like me wouldn’t be a gift, zvyozdochka. It would be a curse.’
‘You make it sound like you’re a victim of your past, but the truth is that you’re a liar.’