She was grateful for the work. It kept her distracted, draining her physically and mentally, so that when she went home to her empty cottage she barely had the energy to sleep, let alone mope or cry.
Deep down she knew Ben was never coming back. As much as he loved her—and she now knew he did—she couldn’t compete with the ghosts of the men he had lost, the ghost of Daniel. But it wasn’t just the ghosts. It was more about the fact that Ben could never open up to her about it, that he was so emotionally closed off to her even after everything they’d shared. It meant that there could be no future for the two of them.
Stepping out of the shower, she started drying herself. It was an effort to get dressed. If she could have stayed here, slept in the rec room and waited for her next shift, she probably would have done.
She stepped out of the locker room and straight into a solid, well-built body.
‘Ben?’
She felt her chest start to bubble and expand as hopeful anticipation jangled wildly. She ruthlessly stamped it down. She’d been here before with Ben. Twice. She couldn’t put herself through it a third time. She had to be absolutely certain.
‘What are you doing here?’ She was proud of how even she’d managed to keep her voice.
His response, however, wasn’t as measured.
‘Looking for you.’
Her traitorous heart gave a leap of joy before she muffled it into submission.
‘I was also signing some paperwork with Sir James.’
‘What paperwork?’ she asked suspiciously.
‘My release forms. From the time I spent here on a consultancy basis.’
Of course he was. He’d need to be cleared in order to go back out on tours of duty. She was an idiot. Thank God she hadn’t given in to the urge to race to him.
‘When do you ship out?’
He fixed her with a look.
‘I don’t.’
Thea felt her legs start to weaken but she held her ground. She was relieved. Knowing he was back out there was her worst fear. Still, she felt sympathy for him.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said sincerely.
Ben frowned. ‘What for?’
‘The Medical Board? You weren’t cleared for active duty?’
His slow, wide smile made her heart falter. It was genuine, but gentle.
‘I was cleared for active duty. My recovery is better than textbook.’
‘You’ve been incredible.’ She’d seen it for herself but it was still impressive. And so typically Ben to make such a startling recovery. She bunched her shoulders. ‘But you’re not shipping out?’
‘I quit,’ he said simply, his eyes never leaving her face.
‘You...quit? The Army? For good?’ She was having a hard time getting her head around it.
‘For good,’ he confirmed patiently.
It was the news she had been longing for—the news she’d never expected to hear. ‘What changed your mind?’
‘You did,’ he answered honestly.
She shook her head. She needed more than that.