‘When he realised he was dying he made me promise to take care of you. I think, deep down, he knew I hadn’t got over you. Just as I told you he knew that I’d used our “buddy code” as an excuse to back away.’
‘Yet he still trusted you enough to ask you to take care of me...as he died?’ she said, feeling rattled.
So this was why Ben had never been able to talk about it. The more he revealed, the more she understood why he found it so hard to talk about himself. She almost laughed at the absurdity of it.
Instead a tear escaped and slid down her cheek.
‘Thank you for telling me. It was...is...important to me.’
‘It doesn’t bring him back, though,’ Ben stated sadly.
‘No, it doesn’t.’
Aside from the promise, none of these facts about Dan’s death were a great revelation to her. But she could see the strides forward Ben had made in order to finally tell her all that. To finally begin to face up to the emotional toll it had taken on him.
‘Because he’d trusted me that much I was determined to set aside my own fears and support you whenever you needed me. Instead we slept together. I felt as though I’d failed even in that. I couldn’t talk to you about it—I couldn’t talk to anyone. So I did what I believed you wanted and I left. I let you down...over and over again. Just as I’d feared I would.’
‘I wanted to help you, when you were first injured, but you wouldn’t let me.’
‘How could I? I’d let you down and I’d shut you out—time and again. How could I accept your help and be so indebted to you when I couldn’t even tell you how I felt? It’s taken time, and an incredible amount of patience on your part, but you’ve begun to change all that.’
‘Really?’
She clearly desperately wanted to believe him, but he couldn’t blame her for holding back. It was almost ironic. She had helped him to open up about his emotions and his actions had caused her to become more guarded.
‘Yes,’ he said earnestly. ‘You have. And not only that you’ve taught me how to love, unconditionally, for the first time since my mother died.’
‘I have?’
Ben dipped his head in confirmation.
‘My father and I have had a...complicated relationship. Growing up, I learned that people weren’t capable of loving each other without hurting each other, or letting them down. So I overthought everything, always calculating the risk. But then you came along and taught me that love isn’t about risk calculations or logic. It’s about taking a leap of faith and trusting my heart. And I trust my heart when I’m with you.’
It took every last bit of Thea’s self-control not to let him gather her into the strong arms which she remembered too well. She wanted so much to believe Ben, but doubts still lurked.
‘I thought you were getting there on the ski trip, and then...’ She tailed off helplessly.
‘I was getting there,’ he assured her. ‘But things were so close to surface back then, I suppose. Then you told me about the baby and I think it just tipped things again.’
‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.’
‘Of course you should have. I needed to know as much as you needed to tell me. I just wasn’t prepared. I hadn’t quite processed it. I was still reeling. Every time I turned around it seemed that my inability to open up to you had just caused more and more ripple effects, each one more devastating than the last. You’d lost a baby, our baby, and I’d left you to deal with it all on your own. The one person I was meant to look after and protect, and instead I’d made things worse for you.’
‘So when you saw that skier the next day you just reacted?’
‘I thought—stupidly—that it was one thing I could control. One thing I could do right and help someone.’
‘So what’s changed?’ It was difficult to believe it had been that easy.
‘I lost you,’ he answered simply. ‘You’d been there for me and I let the best thing in my life slip away from me. I knew I had to win you back, and the only way to do that was to deal with all the issues I’ve spent years—some twenty years—bottling up. And that’s because of you. You have helped me to heal.’
‘But your Medical Board...?’
‘I realised I didn’t want to go back on active duty a long time ago. I wanted a different life. A life with you in it. The only reason I took that assessment was so that I could turn it down. Simply to prove to you that making a life with you was my first choice. Not a fallback. The minute I lost you, out on that mountain, I knew I’d messed up. You are the only thing that matters, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to win you back.’
‘So you passed the Board so that you could leave the Army?’
‘Yes,’ Ben said simply. ‘And, for what it’s worth, the assessment was intensive, rigorous, and full of questions. Yet nothing fazed me. I didn’t have flashbacks, or moments of anxiety or anger, and I didn’t shut down. I just told the Board what they wanted to know. I recounted what had happened factually, but not with any need for clinical detachment. And that’s all down to you. Getting me to talk, to open up, to acknowledge how I was feeling. You’ve helped me to heal what I didn’t even know before was broken.’