Fitz was supposed to have been a one-night stand yet somewhere along the line she’d given him the power to hurt her as much as Stevie had because they were both able to dismiss her as inconsequential.
She tried to steel herself, desperately trying not to show Fitz how much that throwaway line had hurt her. But she wasn’t fast enough, and she felt too raw.
‘God, how do you guys do that?’ she demanded, her voice little more than a strained whisper.
‘Elle...’
He took a step towards her but she backed up, shaking h
er head, unable to get the words out. Unable to process the inexplicable pain.
This had to be about Stevie. It couldn’t be about Fitz, that didn’t make sense, he had been just a one-night stand. Stevie was the one who had hurt her, betrayed her, made her feel worse than nothing. She was just transferring to Fitz because he was here and her ex wasn’t.
Right?
Damn Stevie.
She hated him for making her feel like she somehow wasn’t enough. Not sexy enough, not available enough, just not enough. And she hated herself for not being able to act cool and nonchalant. For letting Fitz see how vulnerable she still was. She tried to fight back, to claw back some measure of dignity.
‘Don’t think this is about you,’ she choked out between the unattractive barks of bitter laughter.
‘I know that.’
She wasn’t prepared for the bleakness, the hollowness of his response. As though he really believed her. As though he hadn’t for one minute considered the impact he’d made on her.
Caught up in the emotions roiling inside her, she let her neck fall back to stare at the rough-textured grey concrete ceiling and exhaled hard, her head struggling to make sense of it.
This was a side to Fitz she knew for a fact that no one else saw. His reputation preceded him. A fearsome soldier, an inspiring leader, a caring commander. They didn’t know the internal war he waged. Hadn’t he told her things that he’d said he’d never told anyone else?
Surely that had to count for something?
‘But you still can’t treat me like the enemy,’ she said tentatively. ‘I didn’t set out to deceive you.’
There had been something between them that first night. A connection that had gone beyond simple attraction, or sex, though both had helped. They’d both confided in each other, and whether it was the events of that evening, the fact that they’d never expected to meet again, or just the fact that her guard had been lowered and he’d been there, Elle couldn’t be sure. But they’d opened themselves up to each other and they couldn’t just slam those doors shut now because it was no longer convenient.
‘I know that too.’ He pulled himself up taller, as though regrouping. ‘And I know you’re not the enemy. I didn’t mean to hurt you with what I said. For what it’s worth, it isn’t personal. I just don’t like to have a crossover between my professional life and my private one.’
‘What you mean is that you don’t like people knowing too much about you, and certainly not the things you told me that night,’ she pushed bravely.
It was how she’d intended that night to go, but deep down she suspected it was that shared vulnerability that had allowed her to sleep with him in the first place. She couldn’t have gone through it with anyone else but Fitz. It hadn’t just been about the sex, as incredible as that had undeniably been, it had been about the way Fitz had made her feel about herself. After Stevie’s betrayal had left her feeling so worthless, Fitz had made her feel good about herself again, and he’d made her laugh out loud.
When was the last time Stevie had made her laugh?
‘Maybe,’ he answered carefully.
‘But I know because you told me, and that unsettles you, doesn’t it?’
‘Elle...’ His low voice held a warning, but some reckless facet of her personality, the one that Fitz himself had been the one to awaken, was taking over her.
‘Is it because I make it harder for you to take off your Fitz head and put on your CO head?’ She was proud of herself for keeping the shake out of her voice. ‘Or is it because you’re still attracted to me?’
Who was this daring, challenging person? She wanted to think this new, bolder side of herself was a reaction to Stevie. Yet somehow it was less about her ex-fiancé and more about Fitz, the man who had made her feel as though he had her back if she needed him, without eroding her own sense of control or undermining her capability.
Elle snapped her head back to see Fitz had advanced on her, closing the gap between them, and for a moment she wondered if he was about to throw her out of his office.
‘I think you know the answer to that one.’ Fitz’s voice rumbled right through her, down to her very core.
Elle couldn’t answer. He was close, so close she could breathe in that all-too-familiar woodsy scent. He was right, she still wanted him as much as she had that night.