‘I did try to warn you, even from that first night, that I wasn’t a good man. That I always end up destroying people.’
She pressed her lips together, her back bracing just a fraction.
‘I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that dust storms in this area are unpredictable, Colonel, so we’re going to have to take a chance at some point. And, to refer to your earlier question, yes, it is necessary,’ she cut in respectfully but firmly. ‘There are refugees crossing the border in their hundreds of thousands, and even though there are vaccination stations at many of the crossings there are still tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of children and babies who are missing out and who have already moved on and into existing communities. If I can spare children from suffering polio paralysis then I have to go, possible sandstorm or not.’
He almost smiled as her voice changed when she spoke of her work. That passion of hers had been one of the things to attract him in the first place. And the fact that she was desperately clinging to formality and keeping the topic mission-related hadn’t gone unnoticed either. Normally, he wouldn’t have pushed it—then again, normally he wouldn’t have been in this position to start with—but that...tenderness she’d demonstrated moments ago when she’d spoken of his family, of his loss, told him that she’d been touched at the idea he’d been worried for her safety.
He owed her the truth.
‘I’m sorry, Elle, but I tried to warn you I wasn’t a good man, whatever you might think of me right now.’
Her shoulders actually sagged.
A strange silence descended over them and he had to let her be the one to break it. But when she did, he wasn’t prepared for the sadness in her voice as it tore into his chest.
‘I never thought you were cruel, Fitz, even without seeing the way your men love and respect you. But you can’t keep doing this, flip-flopping between acknowledging this attraction between us one minute and then pushing me away the next.’
‘I’m just trying to do the right thing.’ He shook his head.
‘You create barriers,’ she countered. ‘You never intended to tell me those secrets of yours that first night, but you decided it didn’t matter because we were never going to see each other again; even if I hadn’t been set on one crazy night, you would have made sure of it. And then when we turned up here together you resented me for it. You’ve been using army barriers, rules that don’t technically ex
ist, to push me away ever since.’
How did she do it? How did she see that side of him that no one else had, and yet fail to see the swirling darkness within him?
‘Why do you want to be with me?’ he demanded hotly, standing abruptly and rounding the desk so there was nothing between them. ‘I’m not a good man. I’m not the responsible, caring man you seem to think I am.’
‘Tell that to those men out there who think the world of you!’ she exclaimed.
They were so close he could feel her body heat, experience the emotion as it poured off her, her fierceness making his chest ache. Yet, deliberately, neither of them closed the gap any further.
‘Tell that to the men they’ve spoken to back home and at Razorwire who spoke so highly of you, leading from the front in more combat zones than they could remember. Tell that to High Command, who appointed you as one of the youngest lieutenant colonels.’
He wanted to believe her. So much that it hurt.
He couldn’t.
‘That’s just the army. I like the man I am when I’m serving. The responsibility, the care, the life is different. It’s easy to be a good leader, I know what’s expected of me.’
‘No, it’s easy because it’s who you are.’ She heaved out a shaky sigh.
He bowed his head towards hers.
‘But that’s not the man I am out there, away from the structure. Where real feelings are needed. I don’t have them. I’m empty, and broken, and toxic.’
Much closer and their heads would have touched. That last absence of contact was the only thing saving either of them right now.
‘I don’t believe that,’ she whispered at length. ‘Because that’s not the man I met that night. Just Fitz opened up to me because he wanted to. A thoughtful, considerate, sensitive man in the bar with that young lad, and then later with me, in bed. I couldn’t have hoped for anyone more giving or generous to make me feel respected. You made me feel desirable again.’
‘You wouldn’t say that if you knew the things I’ve done. The lives I’ve destroyed. I can’t forget my mistakes, I can’t pretend they were okay.’
‘Everybody makes mistakes, Fitz. The trick is to learn from them.’
‘Why don’t you have the sense to walk away?’ He demanded. ‘I have learned from my mistakes. I learned that I’m just like my old man. Selfish, joyless, destructive.’
‘Funny,’ she whispered, ‘but that isn’t a description I recognise, and neither would your old friend Major Howes, who speaks of you so highly.’
‘That’s because I’m a different person here.’