I Only Have Pies for You (Pumpkin Spice Life 1)

Rosaleen glanced at Ryan and shook her head. “I think we’re good for now.”

“All right. Enjoy, guys.”

Picking at their food, they avoided the conversation as she counted down the minutes of the required hour she had to spend with him. Pushing aside his half-eaten plate, Ryan cleared his throat. She set down her fork, placed her hands in her lap, and waited.

“I can see now how self-centered and highhanded my expectations were post-nuptials. I knew how much your career has always meant to you.” He sighed. “I think I was overwhelmed by expectations.”

She shook her head. “Of what?”

“All the things that are supposed to follow marriage. A home, children, continued career success. I wasn’t sure how we’d manage to juggle them all.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me this? Those are the kinds of things we should’ve figured out together. No one gets to dictate how our life should look. We could’ve made things work, the way we always did.” Confused, she eyed him warily. “Why come tell me this after a year?”

“I’m not ashamed to admit it took me months of soul searching to get to the root of my actions. I’d become so used to dictating orders to others and having total control that the idea of walking into the unknown spooked me more than I was willing to admit. You came into my life and threw all my carefully laid plans out of the window.”

“How? You were able to do just as much as you had been before we started dating,” she protested.

“I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. That was to come later, if at all. I didn’t want to choose between my ambition and keeping a relationship intact.”

“Then why did we work all those years prior, Ryan?” She wasn’t about to let him off the hook.

“You were just as dedicated to your career as I was. I never felt like I had to pick one or the other.”

“Then what happened?”

He shook his head. “It was easier to push you away and sabotage what we h

ad than to try and fail.” He glanced down, and she sighed sadly.

“Oh, Ryan. Your pride was always your worst enemy.”

“I know that now. But I couldn’t see it then. I placed all the blame on you.” He looked up. “I apologize for that and the poor way I handled things. You deserved far better.”

“Thank you for that acknowledgment and the explanation.” A weight lifted from her shoulders. Some part of her had needed this closure. Realistically, she knew she hadn’t pushed him away, but a little sliver of her worried maybe she’d done some self-sabotaging of her own.

“I owed you this. I spent the first few months in denial, and when it truly sank in that we wouldn’t be patching things up, and I was miserable without you, I had to take stock of the situation. I went into a deep depression.”

His words shocked her. “It never showed,” she whispered lightly. The hardest thing to accept had been the way he seemed to carry on as if nothing happened. It made her question if what they shared had been real.

“Functioning depression. You look great on the outside. But on the inside, you’re a mess.” He shook his head. “When it got so bad, I struggled to get out of bed in the morning, I sought help.” He cleared his throat and shifted his weight. “It wasn’t an overnight fix. These things take time to work through. Eventually, I accepted my part, faced down my demons, and reset my life. I had to do it for me first. You understand?” He sent her a pleading expression. “Before I could dream of approaching you, I needed to get myself right.”

She nodded her agreement as Ru Paul’s voice sounded in her head. If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love anyone else? Can I get an amen?

“That’s part of why it took me so long. The rest was nerves. You might not hold active grudges, but you never forget, and once a certain line is crossed, there are no second chances.”

She shrugged and pushed the salad around on her plate. He wasn’t wrong. “Look, Ryan, if you want my forgiveness, you have it. Life’s too short to let negative emotions weigh you down.”

He exhaled. A beautiful smile chased away the somber expression he’d worn for the past half an hour. “I’m so relieved to hear you say that.”

The sincerity in his voice was impressive. She could see the changes a year had wrought in him.

“If your goal was absolution, you can leave in peace. I never wished you ill will. I just wanted to know why. It was a mystery I had no way of solving.” She shook her head. Sipping from her water with lemon, she sat up straighter.

“What we built together was amazing, Ros. I’m sorry I ruined it.”

The sound of his nickname for her made her flinch. Pain remained, despite their clearing of the air. He reached across the table and grabbed her hand. Not wanting to cause a scene, she gritted her teeth and allowed it. “Tell me it’s not too late for us to give this another shot.”

He’s lost his damn mind.