Breath Of Life

“I know there’s something more now. I’m open to exploring different interpretations of that.” I have to believe there’s more now. Otherwise, I’ll never get to see Rolly again, and I can’t handle that.

“Yeah?”

I nod. “I lost my faith when I discovered my dad was cheating on my mother and everyone in the town knew it. We were sitting there every Sunday with the same people talking about her behind her back. It turned my stomach. I wondered why God would allow it. My father flourished, he went on and had another family, and my poor mother was the one shamed.”

“That’s the thing about Christianity. There are plenty of people who talk the talk without walking the walk, and it makes us all look bad. I’m not the most devoted, but I try to follow my own code. Since the robbery, I’ve made it to mass a lot more frequently.”

“I didn’t know that,” I say. Six months later, and I’m still learning new things about her.

“Meh. I wasn’t hiding it, but I wasn’t advertising it either. It never really occurred to me to mention it.”

“I don’t know how to live my life without Rolly in it. Who am I?” I place my heads in my hands as the heaviness settles over me like gravity hell bent on forcing me into the earth, where his tiny body rests.

“I wish I could answer that for you, but I can’t. I promise you, I’ll be there while you figure it out.” Her voice shakes.

“Why?” Can’t she see I’m a failure at the most basic level. I couldn’t protect her. I couldn’t even protect my own child. The guilt eats at me like crows relentlessly pecking at a meal.

“Because I love you.” Her voice is sure and unwavering. It burns me with its purity.

“We both know I’m a wreck right now.”

“Yes, but you’re my wreck. Do you not want that?”

“You’re the only thing keeping the tattered pieces of my soul together. Do you think we’re going to win this?”

“I think we have to.” Her voice shakes.

Or all of this will have been for nothing. She doesn’t have to say the words for me to understand them.

“What happens if we don’t?”

She shakes her head. “Then maybe you’ll get to watch me go over the deep end, because at this point I’m hanging by threads. Between the long days in the cabin, lack of contact with the outside world, and constant fear, I’m looking down over the edge.”

I unlink our fingers, wrap my arm around her waist, and pull her to my side. I have no words of comfort. We both know how bad things can go. Empty words would be a slight to her intelligence. I return my gaze to the sky with a new perspective. Are you up there somewhere, Rolly? With my Nana and Papa? The thought pleases me. I’ll never survive if I think everything that made Roland Rolly is gone. It would make life purposeless. I glance down at Quinn. “Do you think you could talk to me more about being Catholic?”

Feeling nothing landed me alone in a drunken stupor in a hotel room. It’s time to go in a different direction.

“Of course I can.”

Her words ease some unknown tension inside of me. It’s the first positive step I’ve taken for myself since she all but pulled me from my room kicking and screaming. It’s amazing what we’d do for others and not ourselves. If she hadn’t hinged her need to be protected on my participation, I would still be there. There are days when I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. But I’m still here.

THE DAY WE’VE ALL WAITED on is here, and my stomach is knotted. I’m dressed in a three-piece charcoal suit that hangs off my frame. I hadn’t realized how much weight I was losing. I study the slender face in the mirror and adjust my hair. I’d wear makeup and a wig if I thought it would increase the odds of the jury believing me.

The rustle of fabric draws my attention to the reflection behind me. Quinn is dressed in a turquoise dress with a three-tiered pearl necklace that drapes down and has matching earrings. Her hair has been tamed, pulled back, and fluffed and curled to perfection. She turns to look at me.

“Are you ready?”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for this.” I quickly tie my tie and straighten it.

“I hear you. More than anything I want it over with.”

“The protection was temporary. Have you thought of what’s going to happen afterward?” I ask.

“A lot. I can’t go back to the old apartment. What that means I don’t know.”

“Why not? Did something happen?”

“No, but I’ll never feel safe there.” She winces.