I grab her hand. “I want that with you. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give it to you, but I want it more than anything,” I whisper honestly. The thought of a mini-Quinn has the word yes hovering on the tip of my tongue. I hold it back because I don’t make promises I can’t keep.
“I think we can get there if we both want it badly enough.”
“I can’t give you a timeline.”
“I don’t need that. I just need to know the intention is there.”
“Sassy, you can trust that anyway I can assure us together when we’re both old and gray, I’m going to take. I love you more than I knew was possible.” I pull her onto my lap. “I’m a broken mess right now, but I won’t always be. At the same time, I’m never going to be over what happened to Rolly. I’ll carry that with me until they day they bury me in the ground, and it’s going to come out at odd times. My father, he said something that stuck with me. I’m thinking about seeing a psychiatrist.”
“I think you should. Not many people can understand what you’re going through, me included.” She runs her fingers through my hair.
“Don’t give up on me?” I ask shakily.
“I’ll never do that.”
The incredible thing about her statement is how much I know she means it. There is nothing that helps me more than her steady presence. There’s no magic wand one can wave to make the pain go away, or a shortcut through the deluge of memories, questions about what if’s, and why my child. I keep most of what goes through my head to myself. What leaks out, I give to the woman in my arms. I’m treading water. It’s only a matter of time until I tire and drown in the relentless emotions bombarding me daily like a battering ram. First thing tomorrow, I’ll find a good psychiatrist.
“ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE ready?” Houston asks as he corners me in the kitchen. It’s the first time I’ve been around this many people since I returned to the world of the living. In the living room, family and friends are gathered to celebrate the twins. One bouncing baby boy and a bouncing baby girl will be making their arrival in another two months or so. Being around my pseudo nephews and nieces is bittersweet. I’ve missed them. They’re also a slap in the face as I’m reminded of everything I’ve lost.
“It’s past time I come back to work full time. I’m seeing a shrink, and we’ve settled into our new place. I don’t need you to handle me with kids gloves anymore, brother. You’ve done more than enough.”
He sighs. “I don’t want you to push yourself.”
“Trust me, I’m not. I need to get back to a state of normalcy. It’s time.” I peer over at Quinn, who is talking with her hands.
“Things okay with Quinn?”
“Yeah. I feel bad, you know?’
“What? Why?”
“She deserves the total package. Ring, kids, and the white picket fence.”
“Ms. Monster Maker doesn’t strike me as the traditional type,” he says with a snort.
I smirk. “Okay, maybe the fence was a bit much, but everything else is pretty spot on.”
“If you feel that strongly about her, why not propose now?”
“’Cause I’m still a wreck.”
“She obviously doesn’t care about that, man. Plus, bro, you’re better off than most. You have your own home together, money in the bank, and a successful business. What you’re going through has no bearing on your character. It’s a sign of the human condition. No one expects you to snap back like a rubber band. I don’t know ...” His voice cracks “I don’t know how you’re still sane. You’re one of the strongest men I’ve ever known.”
I think back to the bender in the hotel room. “For a minute there I wasn’t. I got dark in the hotel. I mean off the rails. If she hadn’t come and forced me kicking and screaming into the light, I can’t say we’d be here right now. It was so much easier to feel nothing. It let me pause time.”
“Why did you snap out of it?”
“She told me if I didn’t go into protective custody she wouldn’t either. I know her. She’s stubborn enough to do it. I couldn’t have another tragedy on my hands I could’ve prevented.”
“She’s something, isn’t she?” Houston asks.
“Yeah, she is.” I watch as Liv places Quinn’s hand on her belly. The joy that lights up her face reinforces what I’m working on in my counseling sessions. I want to see her face filled with awe over our baby. I can’t help but believe Rolly would approve. He loved his Quinny. If he’d been alive, he would’ve adored a new brother or sister. I cling to that thought when the doubts threaten to swallow me whole. “How are you guys dealing with the impending birth?”
“She’s nervous, and I’m trying to stay calm and reassuring for everyone. I mean, the triplets are old enough to understand what’s happening, and they’re excited and eager to pitch in and help, the same way they did with Ryder. Now, Ryder isn’t able to voice how he feels, but he gets that he’s no longer the baby.”
“Oh boy, is he having issues?”
“There’s some regression, and acting out, but that’s normal. We’ll just keep working on him, and wait for it to die down and him to get back on track once they’re born and we can find our new normal.”