“No. You did not do this. You were targeted because of the club, not the other way around. I’m not going to let you do this shit and play martyr like you always do. Remember when you told me you were done with that?” she snaps.
“I am.”
“Then act like it!”
“It’s so easy to say. Because you’re not in it,” I mutter.
“Then explain it to me, Bluebell. You’re not alone. I’m here. I will always be here for you. You know that.”
“I hate to admit how it makes me feel. God, why didn’t I see he was fucked up? I had him around Bolton. I heard his comments about the club. Where was my red flag system?”
“I’m sure he hid it, babe. That’s what people like that do. They’re masters at hiding their true intent. Plus, wasn’t he really a private detective? That’s a lifetime spent studying subterfuge. I know for a fact, no one blames you. My pops says they’re damn proud of you.”
“They are?” I whisper.
“Shit, yeah. You took this fucker down on your own, Blue. You did it. There was no cavalry. You were the one handling business. Don’t let your fucked up headspace that has you right now turn that around. You took a life, that’s going to fuck with you no matter why you did it. And that’s okay.” She grabs my hands and squeezes. “They live and breathe this. It’s nothing to them. We aren’t the same way. Don’t feel like you have to be like Psycho or Shadow. You deal with it the way Bluebell needs to, okay?”
The dam I had on my emotions breaks. The tears flow. “I killed him! I know I had to, but I hated it, every minute of it. The look of betrayal on his face when he realized it. The way he touched me, like he had the right to. I don’t think I’ll ever get the blood off my hands or my body. I wake up at night and I swear I can feel the warm, sticky weight. I’m having nightmares. I shudder all the time. I try to downplay them, but Shadow knows. He holds me and talks me down from every one. I can’t help but think he deserves better than a mess. How can I let him ink me for life, when I’m l-like this?”
“Hey. He’s lucky to have you,” Dixie says, wagging her finger like a teacher scolding a child. “Don’t you ever forget that!”
“It just doesn’t feel that way right now,” I whisper.
“I know, baby. But you’re going to work through this. Hell, it’s only been days. A few months from now, a year, this will be just a rough patch on the road of life. You have to remember that. It’s like high school. Eventually, you get past the bullshit and realize it’s not the end all be all to your life.”
I laugh. “I get that.”
“Good.” She wipes away my tears with her thumbs. “I can understand why you don’t want to talk about this to Shadow. But please talk to me, or Ruthie.”
I shake my head. “She doesn’t know. She can’t.”
“I figured as much. But she and Skull are doing…well, whatever they’re doing,” she says with a shrug.
Chuckling, I swipe at my eyes. “Pretty much.”
“Where’s your old man? I imagined he’d be glued to your hip.”
“He has been. They’re preparing everything for the local chapter meeting. You know we’ve got the reveal for the new compound we built. Stone doesn’t trust it to the prospects.”
“Poor grunts,” Dixie mutters, shaking her head.
I laugh. “They signed up for it.”
“Gluttons for punishment, all of them,” Dixie says in agreement.
“Anyone else know you’re here?” I ask.
“Pops. He picked me up from the airport. I’m sure by the end of the day, it’ll be everywhere. The stuck up daughter came back to visit finally.” She rolls her eyes.
“Fuck them, Dix.”
“Exactly. There’s the girl I know and love.”
“I see what you did there,” I say, immensely grateful she flew in early.
“You feeling a little better?” She ducks her head down to meet my gaze.
“A lot. Around Shadow, I feel like I have to be so strong. Like breaking down will make him feel bad. I know he’s kicking himself for not getting to me sooner. But no one could have known.”