Twist of Fate (Kings of Chaos 6)

“You think I should?”

I choose my words carefully. “I would, but I’m not you.” I think of our own issues. “I take family relationships seriously. I don’t agree with or condone how you’ve been treated when it comes to the business, but I’ve seen the love that exists between you. That’s not an experience everyone gets to have.” I clear my throat. “Before my father died, we were in a bad way. My father wasn’t a nice guy. I didn’t realize that for a long time. He had a backward way of thinking, manipulated everyone around him, and knew how to let people see only what he wanted them to. I spent years worshipping the ground he walked on. I wanted to be just like him. So, I modeled my actions after his. One day I woke up and saw the sheer destruction his actions and words caused, and how much of my life I’d wasted. It divided my brother and I for a long time. Spencer saw him for the uncouth beast he was and did his best to guide me away from the dark path he had me on. I was stubborn and didn’t listen. I mean, no one likes their older brother telling them anything, especially when it’s against a parent.”

“Jesus, Shayne.”

“I’m not the sugar coating type. So when I say it was fucked up thinking, I’m not exaggerating.” I can see the curiosity in her eyes. Don’t ask me for details. I should come clean, lay it all on the table, and deal with the aftermath at once. My tongue is glued to the roof of my mouth, and my heart is pounding. My palms break a sweat.

Reaching over, she places a hand over mine. “I’m sorry you went through all that. My family has plenty of flaws, but lack of love has never been one of them. I’m sure whatever your father’s flaws, he cared for you.”

“My father’s favor was based on obedience and adherence to his set of beliefs. I think I knew that. It’s why I couldn’t hear anything my brother had to say.” I want to stop talking, but like a breached dam, I can’t stop leaking. “It’s something I’m not proud of.”

“Is that why we never talk about your past?” Understanding shines brightly in her eyes.

Unable to speak around the massive lump in my throat, I nod.

“You can tell me as much or as little as you want to. Who you were has no bearing on the man I’m with now. Our past shapes us, but we get the final decision on who we become.”

Her words are an unintended blow to my chest. I wish I could believe her, but some things cut too deep. There are invisible boundaries that once crossed can’t be repaired. Who you were has no bearing. The words go round in round in my head like a playground merry-go-round. If only this was true. We judge people all the time for things they’ve done. It’s impossible not to be tainted by our choices. Tell her.

I squash the tiny, naïve, and misguided voice down.

“Do you really think that?” I ask.

“I have to. I don’t like the woman I was, and if I’m bound forever by the mistakes of my past, there’s no hope for my future, is there?”

“The only person your decisions hurt were you. The universe isn’t going to punish you for that.” Cupping her face, I run my thumb up and down her high cheekbones. “Now I’d say we’ve let things get heavy enough, wouldn’t you? How about we do something fun and treat the truck like he-who-shall-not-be-named?”

She snickers. “You’re picking up the language of my people. I’m so proud.”

“Your people?”

“Geeks, bookworms, nerds. You know, my peeps?”

I laugh. “Yeah, I’m picking up what you’re laying down.”

“We’ve all got a little geek in us. I’m just helping you get in touch with yours.”

“Truly, I appreciate your concern,” I say dryly.

She giggles. “It’s been too long since I heard that.”

“It’s been a rough week.”

“I won’t argue that,” I mumble, thinking about my visit to the L.A. chapter.

“How do you feel about a night in with take-out? The last thing I want to do is make more food. I have a pamphlet from delivery services in my kitchen drawer.”

“This happens often?”

“I’m not even ashamed to admit it does. I love to cook, but after all day on a food truck you want to eat something you don’t need to prepare or clean up.”

An hour later, we’re both in our pajamas on the bed with sushi between us and Underworld on the flat screen. It’s one of the more peaceful Fridays I’ve had and yet memorable. When I’m with Xia, I feel like I fit. What does that say? That I’m living under an illusion.

The man Xia knows is a representative of the real me. It’s all the best I have to offer with none of the mistakes, drama, or heavy baggage. I’m digging the hole deeper for us with each day that passes, lying by omission and explaining it away because the very thought of her turning from me sends me into a slow panic. I’ve grown used to having her by my side. She grounds me and keeps me looking forward to the future.

I never knew what it was to need someone until her. Perhaps this is my punishment, to love someone destined to eventually hate me. Hold on. Love?

Shell-shocked, I go through the motions of eating and watching the movie as I search my emotions. Am I even capable of this? Until I can answer that question, I’ll live alone with my thoughts.