The businesses they’re starting might be to launder money. Could I live with that kind of knowledge or stand by the don’t ask, don’t tell policy? I don’t have an answer for that. Every ounce of brain power I have is being funneled into Truck Wars.
Let it rest for now. Enjoy the time you have together, because it may be coming to an end. My brain might be wary, but my body continues to respond the same way.
I’ve missed him. I can’t keep my eyes off him when I return, and we walk to the car. Can I hold him accountable for his past? How many mistakes have I made during my life? Plenty, but none so heinous. I need more information before I judge. I study him, searching for a glimpse of an evil entity lurking underneath. Do those beliefs and feelings linger? When we fight will they resurface?
I feel like a traitor being here with him. Should I have sent him packing on principal alone? I’m torn between listening to my knee-jerk reaction and the belief that everyone deserves a second chance. ‘I never hurt anyone because of it.’ His words circle in my head. Does that really matter, though? I have too many questions, not enough answers, and too much on my plate in the foreseeable future. Regardless of my feelings, I need him.
We’ve trained all month to be ready for this contest. Eye on the prize, Foley. I’ve risked too much to fail.
“Are we going to keep playing the silence game? ’Cause I think they’ll notice something’s wrong if we don’t loosen up.”
“I’m not used to pretending.” Like you are goes unsaid, but exists as if I’d spoken the words aloud.
“You’re not the only one who’s new to all this, Xi. If I could take back how long I waited to tell you … no. You know what? I wouldn’t because then you’d never give me the time of day. I couldn’t risk that, not with you.” His voice is full of reverence and emotion. I want to cover my ears and keep the softening going on inside me at bay.
“Why?”
“I have never loved a woman before. Xi. You’re it for me. Right now things are muddied and damaged, so it feels broken. Trust me it’s not. I am the only man for you.”
“Perhaps you think too highly of y
ourself.”
“I’m going to let you keep spewing venom for now. I deserve your anger, but it’s not going to be infinite. You underestimate me. When I said you were mine I wasn’t throwing around words to get you wet.”
I glance over at him. It’s the calm, even tone that sends shivers down my spine. He means every word. A quick glance finds his hazel eyes burning into mine. Returning my attention to the window, I ball my fists until my knuckles protest. “You’re stubborn, and I’m not about to let you get in the way of you own happiness. So when we get to this party, you’re going to curb your tongue, check your emotions, and let yourself enjoy it. I’m not going to have you looking back and regretting it. You said this is your time, so live it.”
“Because it’s that easy?”
“You know why you’re so mad? It’s not because I lied or that my past is fucked.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do. None of it matters, and that terrifies you, doesn’t it? What we have transcends that.”
“You think it’s so profound after six months full of lies?”
“I lied about one major thing and omitted another. It changes nothing about what we’ve developed. We can rebuild that trust. The love we share is a once in a lifetime thing. Even I know that, and I can be emotionally impaired at the best of times.”
His words are a sledge hammer breaking apart the walls I’ve raised around myself.
“What do you want from me?”
“Give me your anger. Tell me I fucked up and you’re having a hard time. I can take it. Just don’t freeze me out and pretend what we’ve built is a lie. It’s not. Pretending otherwise isn’t going to help us.”
“And what will. huh? Since you’ve got all the answers, please enlighten me.”
“By doing this, talking, working through our shit.”
“Maybe I don’t want to,” I snap.
“Too bad.”
“What?” I yell.
“For the first time in my life, I want to do the tough work.”
“Maybe your epiphany came too late.”