He wiggles his eyebrows, and I give a shaky smile. Would she still believe that if she knew the truth? I’m being pulled in opposite directions, and the anxiety is wearing me thin. Is our past an irrelevant thing that shouldn’t be held against us or a preview of what we’re capable of? Seeing the men he grew up with was an eye opener. There’s a side to him I’ve never seen. A wildness that’s been contained here in L.A.
I study him from beneath lowered lids wondering if I can ever truly know him under these circumstances. My stomach clenches. I’m in love with the idea of him. Who he’s appeared to be. But the secrets he carried were dark, and the issues are still being worked through. Hell, I’ve got enough issues to fill a suitcase. How can we do anything other than fail if we try to make a go of this right now?
“And that’s time!” I’ve never loved the host, Josh, so much in my life.
“The moment of truth,” I whisper.
“Please, unless one of them is a wizard, we got this. I saw the lines at the other trucks. It’s no contest,” Jas says.
“Let’s hope.”
As we leave the truck, Shayne wraps an arm around my shoulders. Despite his calm demeanor, his hold is stiff. I’m not the only one unsure where we stand. I relax into him, soaking up his presence while I can. There are some things we have to do alone. I’m beginning to understand that now. As much as I love the man he’s becoming, it’ll take space to allow us to see things clearly. The thought resonates as truth, even as it makes me sick to my stomach. He’s become a safety blanket. A constant I can turn to for comfort and support. But is that love? There’s a thin line between dependency and deep connection.
I need to be able to distinguish between the two. Wether or not he agrees with me, he does, too.
I hold my breath as Josh counts our till. When he passes two thousand, my eyes glaze over.
“Magical Munchies is the winner by one thousand and five-hundred dollars. It looks like the unicorn was magical for you today.”
“I think it was, Josh. Thank you, Munchies! We’re nothing without you.” I wink. By now how to play to the crowd
***
“Are you still pissed at me?” Shayne asks.
“No. I’m grateful that you called them in. What upset me was seeing a new side to you.”
“But you know—”
“Knowing and experiencing are two different things. It made me realize how alien your real life is, and the version of you I’ve yet to really see might be along the same lines.”
“I’m not pretended to be anyone.”
“No, but you’re in a different environment away from everything and everyone you know. What happens when you go back? I’m talking about more than distance. How will your attitude and lifestyle change? What effects will it have on you and your personality? You can’t answer those questions.”
“So what? We let fear win?”
“I didn’t say that. We’ve been living in a bubble on borrowed time. The clock has wound down, and the bubble’s been popped.”
The wounded expression on his face guts me.
“Then where do we stand?” He places an arm on either side of my head. I lean back against my front door. If I let him inside the apartment, I’ll be lost. He’s like catnip?irresistible and mind-altering.
“I don’t know. That’s what we have to figure out.”
“How do you suggest we do that, Xi?”
“I don’t—” I shake my head as water blurs my vision.
“Don’t clam up now. I’m sure you’ve planned this out.” The coldness in his tone cuts my heart open.
“I haven’t.” My voice is shaky, and my heart threatens to leap from my chest as the blood rushes in my ears. I lock my knees to remain standing tall.
“Then why tell me this now?”
“Because I want to explain where my head is. The animosity between us is a hindrance to the truck.”
“Of course, the truck.” He pushes away from the door.