“They are. All families are different. Mine happens to be heavy on the dysfunction. What I do requires me to be seen and treated a certain way. The way I am with you won’t be the same once we’re with them. I can’t be that man.”
“You’re kind of scaring me.”
“I never want you to be scared of me.” I cup her face and rub the apples of her cheeks. “I may be an asshole, but I will always be your asshole.”
She rests her forehead against mine. “I’m not sure how comforting that is.”
“It’s more than I give anyone else. I know it’s not what you deserve. But it’s what I have to give.”
“You’ve give me so much already, Jagger. I don’t want to hear you talk like this.”
“You haven’t seen it yet. While it was just us, I could insulate you.”
“I don’t need that.”
“Yes you do, Blanche. You need someone to protect you from anything that might harm you, even if it’s me.”
“You think you’re going to hurt me?”
“Never on purpose or physically. But I can admit I’m green. Relationship was not a word I even thought to use before you. I’m going to stumble, and I hope that fall from the pedestal you’ve placed me in won’t break us both.”
“I don’t expect you to be perfect, Jagger.”
“People say that, but when you let them down…” I trail off as I shake my head remembering how swiftly the families would find I wasn’t a good fit for them when I couldn’t be what they wanted. Waiting to be adopted was like auditioning. You tried to do and say the right thing. Dress the part and blend in with the kids already in the home. I never found a permanent home. I was hopeful for a while, then I had my fill of bad homes, and my mode switched from belonging to surviving.
Over the course of sixteen years in
the system, I experienced more kindness and indifference than harm. But the darkness left its stain. Once self-preservation is triggered, I found it nearly impossible to disengage. The fear of being caught unaware wouldn’t allow me to.
“I’m not going anywhere, Jagger. When I tried to push you away, you stood firm. How can I do anything less?”
A knock on the door saves us both.
“Can you two stop canoodling? We’re going to be late,” Jess says.
“Well, if you would’ve helped me pick something out, I’d be out there,” she calls back.
“Right. Like it’s the clothing selection keeping you tied up right now,” Jess mumbles.
“She’s the sister I never asked for.”
“I think the two of you had some wild times growing up. You ever kiss each other?”
She elbows me, and I smirk.
“It was a serious question.”
“A lady doesn’t kiss and tell.” She winks at me and moved to her dresser.
They totally made out before. Amused, I watch as she shimmies into a pair of form-fitting blue jeans and a black blouse that shows tantalizing glimpses of her shoulders.
“Done. Let’s get out there before Jess comes in and drags us out by our hair.”
“Is that how you two got down?” I ask.
“Pervert.”
“Genuinely curious,” I counter.