I take a long draw. “More proof she’s a fickle bitch,” I say enjoying the burn as it slides down my throat and into my belly.
“What’s your plan, brother?”
“I’m going to lay it out for her, see where she wants to go and then make the best of it.”
“Would you get rid of your child based on a what if?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I haven’t had a chance to think it through. I was kind of blindsided. I always figured I would just not have kids and avoid the Russian roulette.”
“You’re rash. I think what happened to your parents fucked with your melon in a major way, man. Your perception is flawed and biased. They were a worst case scenario. There was a lot more than the disease at work. It was two volatile, drug dependent, alcohol dependent people behaving irresponsibly.”
I grunt. Hearing it laid out in black and white always sticks in my craw.
“I’m not trying to piss you off. I know it’s hard to talk about, but this is your future. If you continue to let your past intrude on the present, you’re going to be a lonely bitter ass man who doesn’t know his kid.”
; The picture he’s painting is stark and barren as the desert. “I don’t want that.”
“Then make shit right with Ruthie, and make her your Old Lady. If that’s what you want.”
“How did you know?”
“Know what?” he asked pulling out a cigarette.
“That Blue was it, and you weren’t making a mistake?”
Shadow tilts his head back and studies the sky as he blows smoke rings. “Just looked at her one day and it all clicked. She wasn’t the little girl I looked out for anymore, and none of the other biker bunnies or King Chasers held any appeal. I got sick of the fucking and sucking fast. I wanted family. I was different in that way. Waiting for her only increased my want. I had Bolton to think of though. It’s why I was slow to act. He was going through hell with Cal, and I didn’t want to add to the confusion. You don’t have that problem.”
I chug the bottle until the tightness in my chest recedes. “I don’t want to end up like my father. The kid and Ruthie might be better off with me paying child support and acting as a weekend dad.”
“Shit, I don’t know that any kid is better off with that. Especially if it’s a boy, they need guidance. If it’s a girl, you’ll be teaching her that dudes bail. That’s going to lead to a lifetime worth of sorrows there.”
Damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t.
“You got a kid coming now, man. You need to get your head straight, whatever that entails.”
“What you think I need to see a head shrinker?” I ask.
“I think you need something more than that bottle. Cause come morning, your issues will still be there.”
My vision hazes around the edge and I laugh. “Shadow the Sage.”
“I ain’t saying I’m wise about a lot of shit. But I know how to be a good dad.”
“Dad, where’s Mom?” Bolt yells.
“She’s staying over at your aunt Ruthie’s tonight. What’s up?”
“Need some paperwork signed for school.”
“I got it. Give me a minute, Skull is here for the night. Probably going to be puking his guts up come morning, so I’d get that shower in tonight, if I was you.”
“Fucking awesome, Dad,” Bolt calls back.
I laugh at their banter. Yeah, Shadow knew a lot about being a good father. What he didn’t know was how deep my demons ran and what a motherfucker’s fear could be. I polish off the rest of the bottle, and let the liquor wash away my worries.
Chapter Three