Pretty Hurts (Left 1.50)

“Maybe, but I stand by what I said. Look, you and Abby took your time to enjoy yourselves as a married couple. You had adventures, and built your relationship foundation strong. It fortified you, made you ready to put eighteen plus years of hard work and sacrifice in. Kids are a blessing. But that doesn’t make them easy. You didn’t believe you were ready before, and I’d have to say you were probably right. Waiting until you felt mentally and monetarily prepared is a sign of intelligence and maturity. While yes, you two may be older, you’re also incredibly healthy and active. You’re going to be just fine.”

He drains the rest of his beer and turns to me with a thoughtful expression etched on his features. “Thank you for that.” A moment of silence passes between us and I take the time to finish my own drink.

“Now that you played shrink for me, are you going to tell me how your non date went?”

I chuckle. “It was a lot of fun. She’s a blast, man. We clowned our way through the movie and took cheesy photos. It was great. We even talked about getting together again.”

“Are you going to follow up with that?”

“I think I am. It was easy with her, you know? I’m not used to that after five years with Marilyn. I love her for the woman she was, but low-maintenance she was not. If nothing else, I’ll end up with a new friend to do things with.” It’s a falsehood. The second it leaves my lips, I want to take it back. The chemistry we generate will need to be addressed eventually. The vibe I’m getting isn’t just friends.

“Do you actually believe that? I’ve known you a long time. I know how you can be about women. You’re into this one.”

“I think we both know my picker isn’t the best,” I admit.

“No, you just hold on when you should let go,” he replies.

I sigh. “I thought when I asked Marilyn to marry me we’d be together forever.”

“And you might have been if she hadn’t changed her mind about wanting children. But to be fair, she was always on the fence about that.”

His words ring true. I knew when we first got involved she wasn’t sure if she wanted children or not. But I let her beauty, charm, and common interests blind me.

“It came out of nowhere. One minute we’re planning our wedding, and the next, she’s desperate to have a baby because her biological clock is ticking. I never understood the abrupt shift.”

“Maybe she’d been holding it in for a long time, so when it came out it was ramped up by months of silence?”

“Perhaps. I tried to reason with her. Told her we’d built a nice life together, and this was something I refused to budge on. If I said yes to please her, and then resented it later, our child would suffer. I’d never take that risk.”

“What did she say?”

“That she’d seen me with my nieces and nephews enough to know that would never happen. It was like she was grasping at straws. We went back and forth about it for months. I will never get that serious about a woman without putting a ring on her finger. The task of dividing everything was painful. I had to give her a lump sum to keep her from trying to lay claim to the house. You think you know someone until they show you how much you really don’t.”

“I knew it got ugly in the end. But I had no clue she was so ruthless.”

“Made me wonder if I ever knew her all. It was like a personality transplant.”

“Seems like you lucked out. Imagine if you had married her.”

A chill skitters its way up my spine. “I have. I spent the past year going over our entire relationship in my mind, trying to see if there were signs of impending doom that I ignored. It was a personal hell. I doubted myself in a way I hadn’t experienced since I was a teenager. I felt lost, angry, and pitiful. People went out of their way to tell me how sorry they were when all I wanted to do was forget. It was like I couldn’t escape her shadow.”

“Is that why you haven’t dated since?”

“Yes and no. I needed to regain my own balance and grieve. You can’t go from planning your wedding and your life together to breaking up and not feel it. I don’t care how macho men are supposed to be.”

“And now?”

“I’ve made my peace with what happened and the fact that I’ll probably never understand why she had a sudden change of heart. Maybe it was a biological clock ticking down, or perhaps that was a guise. If she wanted out, that was a surefire way to go about it.”

“You don’t think that’s why, do you?”

“It’s what made the most sense in the scheme of things.” It was a blow to my self-esteem, questioning her feelings for me. The first three months alone were the loneliest ones of my life. It felt like I’d lost a limb. The house was too quiet, and everything I did felt off. “You don’t realize how much a person occupies your life until they’re gone,” I say solemnly.

“Damn, brother, I’m sorry.”

“Water under the bridge now,” I reply, proud that I’ve worked myself to a point where I actually mean it.

His words make me realize how ready I am for Efia. I’ve never been one to play games, so I make a mental note to text her tomorrow to keep in contact. This is my final step toward leaving the past behind completely.