The happiness in her voice made him smile. “I’m glad you had a good time babe. I miss you though. “
“I miss you too.”
The sadness in her voice raised alarms in his head. “You doing okay?”
“No, I’m not. Can we get together tomorrow for lunch?”
“It can’t wait until you come home after work?”
She sighed. “We should really talk about this tomorrow.”
“No, we need to talk about it now. What happened while I was gone?”
“Nightmares. So many nightmares. I can’t go on like this. I need to get my head together.”
“Okay, I get that little bird. I respect it even. What I don’t understand is why I feel like you’re running.”
“I’m not running, I’m stepping away to gain some lucidity.”
The words lit a fuse. “What the hell does step away mean?”
“It means I need my space right now.”
“All of a sudden you need space? We were doing just fine a week ago.”
“No, you were doing fine. I was so lost in you…I didn’t know what the fuck I was.”
“What the hell? You’re mad because I make you happy?” he asked, utterly confused.
“No, I didn’t say that.”
“Then what are you saying? Because right now, none of this is making sense.”
“What we have is intense and all consuming. When we’re together, I can’t think of about anything else. The world around us ceases to exist. Which is great when we’re in the house. But it’s not reality. No matter how great it is between us, that doesn’t change certain facts.”
“What realities are we talking about, Lark?”
“The fact that what you do, who you are comes with a shit ton of baggage. I thought I could handle it. That I was ready to deal with whatever your life would throw my way. I mean hell, after the way we met, I figured how much worse could it get? Then I saw.” Her voice shook.
Pan closed his eyes and clutched the phone tight. “That’s not the norm.”
“No, but it could happen again at any moment. It’s what you live with every moment of your life. The fact that hell could be unleashed around you. It’s the price you pay to bear the name Dueling Devil. It’s a high toll. If I’m going to fully commit to you, I need to be sure I can afford it.”
He understood everything she said. It was logical. But it wrecked him just the same. “How long have you been feeling like this?”
“Since Ara’s birthday.”
“That was a month ago, little bird. Why not say something before then?”
“Because I couldn’t. I’ve been lost in a Hartley haze.”
Bitter words danced on the tip of his tongue. He held them back. She was right. It was a conscious decision he made, distracting her. Now it was backfiring. “What do you want me to do?”
“Be supportive. Try to see things from my point of view. I came into this, not just ignorant to the life but traumatized by it and grieving. I didn’t have my head on straight.”
“You think I took advantage of you?” he croaked.
“No. God no! Hartley, you saved me in so many different ways and for that, I’ll be forever grateful. I just—I don’t want to hurt you and if I don’t figure this out right now, I will.