“That’s codependency. We talked about this. You can do it yourself. I’m backup, a support. The strength is inside you, always has been.”
“It doesn’t feel that way. When I’m not with you sometimes it’s like … I can’t even breathe.”
“Lis.” He took her hand between his and willed his warmth to transfer. “Honey, you have a long way to go.”
“Oh God! It’s too late, isn’t it?” She hiccupped. Her heart monitor spiked. “You found someone else. Someone prettier? Thinner?” Her breath came in panicked pants.
“Calm down, Lis.”
“Tell me the truth!” Her shrill voice hurt his eardrums.
“Why? So you can obsess over it? No.” He removed his hands. “You’re going to see a counselor and start eating, even if I have to cram it down your throat myself. I’ll stand by you every step of the way. But you don’t get to dig into my personal life. We can’t go back down that path. For ten years we tried, Lis, and it doesn’t work.”
“Jett—”
“No. We need to work on forming a new relationship, one that’s healthy and doesn’t damage either of us.”
She hiccupped.
“And for the record, Lis. She’s much bigger than you ever were, even at your heaviest. I told you that stuff doesn’t matter to me. It’s all about what’s on the inside. ”
“Oh.” The words seemed to calm her, though the hurt in her eyes remained. “Well that’s something.”
“It’s recent. Don’t think I wasn’t cut to the core when you left. I wanted to come after you, beg, plead, promise you everything under the sun.”
“So why didn’t you?” Her voice quivered.
“Because it’s not what you needed. It wasn’t what was best, and when you really love someone, isn’t that what you want?” He stroked her hair back from her face. “What did you think? That I didn’t really care?”
“A part of me wondered.”
“That night when you told me you were leaving your eyes were dead. I’d never seen you look like that before.” The memories tasted like bitter ash in his mouth. “That look haunted me for months. Every time I wanted to pick up the phone, catch a flight out, or text you I thought about it. It wasn’t easy by any means to stay away. But I wanted to give you your space. I guess I gave too much.”
She picked at the blanket. “So, you don’t hate me?”
“Lis, no.” he bent down, tucked a finger under her chin and made her look up. “Is that what you thought?”
Their gazes clashed. “I hate me. Why don’t you?” The self-loathing in her eyes skewered his soul.
“Because I see you for who you really are. You’re looking at yourself through a distorted set of peepers. We’re going to get you help. Do you trust me?”
“Always.”
“Then stick with the program they’re offering you. Go to the counselor and the nutritionalist. I won’t lie and say it’ll be easy. It’s going to be hell. You’ll be building from the ground up, but I’ll help you, and you need it.” He stilled her hand.
“And you won’t leave me?”
“No, I won’t.”
“O-okay.”
“Yes?” he held his breath.
“Yes.”
“First step is always the hardest.”
“Yeah.”