I grabbed the newly filled mugs from the bench and turned to find Luke standing in the doorway studying me. His expression was one of concern.
"Are you okay, Kyle? Second thoughts?"
"I'm fine, and no, no second thoughts or regrets. It took me a little while to boil the kettle and make fresh coffees, the others were cold." I held up one of the mugs and steam curled into the air.
Luke nodded and I followed him back to the living room and sat sideways on the couch facing Luke. I handed one mug to him and sipped at mine while he watched me warily
"How long have you known you were gay?"
Luke gulped at his hot brew before answering. "Since I was about thirteen, fourteen. I realized I'd rather check out men's arses than women's. One man in particular has a mouthwatering backside."
"Who?" I must admit I felt a little jealous.
Luke leaned forward and brushed his lips over mine. "You. Only you, Kyle."
"Me?"
"You. I was obsessed with you at school. Watched you constantly. You kept to yourself, head in a book and I liked that. I hated it when other guys talked with you. I wanted so badly to be your friend instead of hanging out with football jocks and airheaded cheer leaders."
"I had no idea."
"No-one did. I hated it when someone called you a faggot. I wanted to beat them to a pulp, scream out I was gay too. But, I was terrified of what my father might do if I defended you. It helped that you didn’t seem bothered by any of it at the time. I'm sorry I didn’t stand up to the bullies."
"Don't be, I understand. I guess we found out how your father would react. Why did you tell him?"
"I was tired of hiding who I was, of having their society friend's daughters pushed at me every time I visited which was becoming less and less often. I wanted to come back here, find out if there could be anything between us. That’s why I applied for the transfer when the Captain told me about the position here being available. It was good timing with Jim Saunders retiring. When I ended up in hospital, I thought they would give the job to someone else, but I had a good Captain and he pulled some strings to ensure it would stay mine. Then, I hoped like hell that the rumors I’d heard at school about you being gay proved to be true."
"Have you been with other men?" Again, a prickle of jealousy assaulted me. I sipped at my coffee while I waited for Luke to answer.
"A few but nothing serious or ongoing. I only wanted you."
"Wow, okay. This was about the last thing I expected when you turned up here yesterday." Then, I had a thought. "Did Mrs Henning really send you here?"
Luke looked guilty as he shook his head. "No. Mr Parker has always known how I feel about you and he gave me the story. Sorry. Fuck. You are gay, aren't you?"
I stifled a chuckle at the panicked expression on Luke's face and grasped his hand. "Yes, I most definitely am gay. Do you think I would have kissed you the way I did if I wasn't? Wendy is the only one who knows, and Mr Parker apparently. My parents would be fine with knowing but I haven't had the need to tell them. I'd decided when I had a special man in my life, someone who meant more to me than anything else, we would both visit and tell them together."
Luke paled. "How do you know they'll be okay?"
"I know my parents, they're nothing like yours Luke. They will always love me and Lis no matter what."
"So, when did you realize?"
"When I was about eleven. I snuck behind the toilet block with Missy O'Brien and kissed her. I hated it."
Luke laughed. I loved the deep rumbling sound which came from deep in his chest. "Most boys hate girls at that age."
I shook my head. "No, it wasn't hate for Missy, it was the kiss. It didn't feel right and I realized I'd rather be sneaking a kiss from a boy. I managed to find some information on how I felt and worked out I was gay."
"You said you don’t date. I thought men would be beating down the door to spend time with you. You were cute in school but now you're fucking gorgeous."
It was my turn to laugh. "Like I said, no-one knows and I've only ever wanted you. Since I was fourteen years old, you have been the leading man in my dreams. It was the image of you in my head I jerked off to. The man whose blonde curls I wanted to tangle my fingers in. When I was with another man, it was always you I pictured. In the end, I didn’t date. It hurt too much."