“She’s not like us; she didn’t grow up in this world.”
“She fixes the ones we break though. Addiction and loss… she stares that in the face every day.”
“You think because she works at the Rockford Center that she could handle seeing you covered in blood?”
“I wasn’t covered in it,” I say. My rebuttal is useless.
“Not to her. She doesn’t see this. This is different. It’s not something she can control with a bed, pills and a conversation.”
“Neither is loss. Loss isn’t controlled.” The need to defend her overrides my sensibility.
Carter’s gaze is assessing. Running my hands through my hair, I question my own sanity.
“She’s under your skin.” Carter’s tone verges on discouragement.
“Which is right where I want her to be,” I admit freely, correcting him. “I’m not letting her go.”
“Then don’t allow her to see what frightens her without first giving her a way to handle it. You blinded her to what’s going on, then showed Bethany her own worst fears without warning. What did you think would happen?”
“I wasn’t thinking,” I mutter, staring at the dark red in the carpet beneath our feet.
“Start using your head again. How’s that for advice?”
It’s hard to hold back from rolling my eyes. “Any other advice you want to offer?”
“Promise her she doesn’t have to be a part of this world if she doesn’t want to. You should have never come back like that… She’s seen already, she knows and she hasn’t walked away.”
“What if I can’t hide it all from her? What if I don’t want to hide it?” The truth is buried in the questions, something that loosens the tension. Something that makes me feel like I can breathe again.
“She knew before, Jase,” he repeats himself again. “You’re fooling yourself if you think she didn’t know who you were and the world you inhabit before.”
“Knowing isn’t the same as seeing,” I comment and regret what I did. I regret losing it and putting her in a place to be shocked and frightened. “I’ll do better.” I make the promise to her, although Carter’s the one who hears it and the one who gives a single nod.
“Do you know how I knew I should fight for Aria, rather than let her go?” Carter asks me and I wait for his answer. “Without her, I just can’t go back to being without her. There is no version of my life where I’d be okay knowing she wasn’t with me and not knowing if she was okay. I needed to make sure she was loved. I couldn’t move forward not knowing if she would be loved if I weren’t there.”
There’s that word again… love.
“If you want her, make her see that. She knew what she was getting into. She’ll be exposed to more of our world over time and she’ll learn to deal with it in a way she can. She didn’t run, though. She’s not going to leave you, Jase.”
“Is that why you called me in here?” I ask him, watching the wind blow the trees in the distance behind him. “To give me advice and watch me sit here with my tail between my legs?”
The leather groans as Carter sits deeper in the wingback chair. “Romano’s been indicted.”
“Indicted?”
“The FBI agents that have set up camp aren’t going to be leaving anytime soon. They’re fucking everywhere.”
“Did they find the explosives on the east side?”
“No, we got there first. Any evidence of an association with him has been wiped. But they’re digging. So we need to be careful.” I don’t miss the way Carter looks at me when he says the word careful.
“You think he’ll pay them off?” I ask.
“I think he’ll try. I would.”
His phone vibrates on the desk, halting the conversation momentarily. With a glance he sits up, and messages back. It must be Aria. “I’ve got to go; do you have anything else?”
“I want her to marry me.” I say the words out loud. Freeing them. He’s the one who brought up love. I’ve never considered him helping me, but he has Aria and if he can have her, I should be allowed to have Bethany.
“Then tell her.” Carter’s response is easy enough.
“I did.”
“Was that before or after she was arrested?” I look past him, letting out a frustrated sigh. “You’ve never waited for anything. Why would a marriage proposal be any different?”
“Timing may not have been the best.”
“Best?” Carter actually laughs. He has the balls to let out a deep, rough chuckle that fills the room and forces me to crack a smile.
“I told her she wouldn’t be able to testify if we were married.”
“You’re a fucking dumbass, Jase. I’m a goddamn bull in a china shop and even I’m more graceful than that.”
“It felt right.” I drag my hand down my face remembering how her eyes widened.
“Like I said, you’re a dumbass. You like shocking her,” my brother comments. “I’m not sure that’s exactly what she wants or needs from you at the moment.”