Elder had the keypad fixed—and improved—so that when I punch in the code word, the hatch door stays open for as long as I want it to, and I can stare out the glass window into the stars for as long as I need to. It’s a long way home from here, but this is the closest I can be.
I stare at the stars. There are so many here, so many more that I can see here than I could see when I stood on Earth’s surface. And even though there are so many and they look so close together, I know they are light years apart. The glitter in the sky looks as if I could scoop it all up in my hands and let the stars swirl and touch one another, but they are so distant, so very far apart, that they cannot feel the warmth of each other, even though they are made of burning.
This is the secret of the stars, I tell myself. In the end, we are alone. No matter how close you seem, no one else can touch you.
“Amy?”
Elder stands over me, and for a moment he looks ominous, like a vulture.
I risk a smile at him.
“I’m glad it’s over,” I say.
Elder does not return my smile.
“It’s a relief. I think I might be able to live an okay life here, if I don’t have to worry about my parents every second. Ugh, that sounds ungrateful. You know what I mean. ”
“Amy. ”
I look up at him. His face is very serious.
“What’s wrong?” There is laughter in my voice, but it’s nervous. “Did something happen?” My fingers curl, scraping against the cold metal floor. “Did something happen to my parents? Was it not really Orion?”
“No, no, nothing like that. ” Elder bites his lip.
“What is it then? Here, sit down beside me. ”
Elder doesn’t sit. “I have to tell you something,” he says in that voice that makes me know whatever it is he has to tell me cannot be good.
“What is it?” I finally screech, because I cannot take his nervous silence.
78
ELDER
“I’M THE ONE WHO UNPLUGGED YOU. ”
79
AMY
I FEEL MY HEART THUD—ONCE, HARD—AND THEN IT’S LIKE A rushing of blood and emotion from my body and I am empty inside, frozen like before, and I see nothing, and I feel nothing, but that’s not true. Because as soon as I think that, I feel again, I feel everything, and I can’t see, I can’t breathe, but I do feel.
And what I feel is rage.
I think for a moment—I was wrong: it would be better to not feel than to feel this—and then
I
quit
thinking.
I scream something, but even I can’t distinguish what words spit from my mouth. I’m standing now—I don’t remember standing, but I’m standing. And I lunge for him. I want to hurt him—I don’t care how—as long as I can cause some sort of pain, maybe that will be enough. I get in one good, solid hit, and I know that I’ve surprised him more than hurt him, despite the fact that there’s already a red mark on his cheekbone under his eye. My fingers are curled claws, but he grabs my wrists before I can attack again, and he holds me back. I kick, but my short legs can’t outdistance his long arms, and I do the only thing left for me to do. All the rage tears from my throat.
I’m sorry,” Elder pleads.
Sorry? Sorry? Sorry isn’t enough. Every. Single. Thing. I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was.