The Freshman (College Years 1)

I startle a little when he says, “You going to let me in?”

A nervous titter leaves me and I step aside, opening the door wider for him to walk in. He enters the apartment and I shut and lock the door, then lean against it, enjoying the view. Trying to calm my racing heart. Buying time as I try and figure out what to say next.

“You’re being weird,” he says.

“Caleb told you what he heard me say,” I blurt as Tony speaks at the same time.

We stare at each other for a moment, and my heart rate kicks up another notch.

“He did tell me,” he says quietly. “He let me know later that you were talking to your father?”

I nod, my body still plastered to the door. I’m afraid if I step away from it, I’ll crumple to the ground. “Lauri told him about us.”

His expression tightens. “Of course she did. She’s been comparing notes with Helena.”

“And so I was trying to play it off, you know? Like what we have is no big deal.”

“Right.” He nods. “I get it. I probably would’ve done the same. I sort of did, when I was texting my dad.”

“Exactly.” Relief trickles through me, but not enough for me to walk away from this door. “I said some shitty stuff, and I’m grateful Caleb went to you and told you.”

Tony frowns. “Why are you grateful?”

“That you have friends who care about you enough to tell you the truth, even though they know it might hurt you.” I swallow hard. “I know you don’t have many people in your life who you trust, Tony. Your family lets you down. Your ex let you down. Your circle is small, and I get why. You only let a few people in your inner circle, because you don’t want to get hurt.”

He nods, not saying anything else.

Another swallow, this one a little more difficult since my throat is like sandpaper. “You let me in, and now I’m terrified that I ruined everything.”

He’s still quiet, and oh God, it’s so unnerving. It’s how he copes, the silence, and I get it. It makes people say a lot when he doesn’t have to say anything at all, and I’m guessing that, sometimes, those who are blabbing say things they don’t mean.

And ruin everything.

I refuse to say a bunch of nonsense. I can play his silence game too.

So that’s what I do. I go quiet, waiting for his response.

“I get why you said what you did,” he murmurs. “When Caleb first told me, I was ready to shut down, and shut you out. It’s easier to think the worst of someone, rather than try and figure out exactly why they did or said something.”

“Yeah,” I rasp, at a loss of what to say.

“That’s my usual mode. That’s what I do. I shut people out when I think they’re going to leave me. Caleb called me out on it. Told me I sabotaged my relationship with Sophie last year because I knew she was going to choose going to another school over me, a school that meant everything to her and her future dancing career, so of course she’s going to choose it. Even though I was being completely unfair, and I fucking knew it, I did it anyway. I shut her out, and gave her no choice but to break up with me, because,” he explains, his expression pained. “I’m over her, I swear to God I am, but it also hurts, knowing how I fucked that up, and at the time, I didn’t even see it.”

My heart slows and softens for him. I hate seeing him in so much pain, and his face is wracked with it. “We all have our coping methods.”

“Yeah, well mine also sabotage my relationships. I end them before they can hurt me, thinking I come out of it unscathed. But that’s not true. I still end up miserable.” He glances down for a moment, as if he can’t face me. “And that’s what I wanted to do with you. End it before you did any more damage to me,” he admits.

“Do you—still feel that way?” I ask hesitantly, petrified of his answer.

Lifting his head, he comes to me, his approach slow. Methodical. Until he’s standing directly in front of me, his body lightly pressed against mine, his warm, minty breath wafting across my face. That minty smell fills me with hope. Tells me he cared about his breath and planned on kissing me.

I sort of want to laugh at myself, but I don’t.

“No,” he says, his gaze locking with mine when I tilt my head up to look at him. “I don’t. It doesn’t matter what our parents say. Let Helena alienate me from my father. Let her take over the business and leave me out of it. I don’t give a fuck.”

I want to reach out and touch him so badly, but I keep my hands braced against the door. “I told my father he should get together with yours and merge their businesses. Become a powerhouse together.”

Tony cracks a smile, and my heart starts racing again. For a different reason this time. “I love it.”