The Sophomore (College Years 2)

Five

Jackson

One month later

“Fuck me, it’s hot out here.” I grab a water bottle and drain it in a couple of swallows, glancing around the field as I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. We’ve been running drills all week at football practice and I’m fucking sick of it.

But I’m also happy as hell to be back out on the field, all the trappings of Jackson Rivers, teen dream rock star behind me.

At least temporarily.

“Yeah,” Eli says, squinting into the sun as he watches our defense run their asses across the field. “Sucks. Glad to be here though.”

“Same.”

He sends me a look. “Are you really? You don’t miss performing?”

“This is performing too, you know. A different kind of performance,” I tell him, gesturing toward the field. “Sometimes I think I enjoy this more.”

“Really?” Eli sounds baffled. “I think it would be pretty awesome getting so much attention focused on you from all the girls. The record execs wanting to sign you. People wanting autographs and shit. That’s cool as fuck.”

“It’s cool, but it’s also a lot of pressure.” So much lately, I don’t like talking about it anymore. “I prefer being part of a team.”

“Even when we’re a shitty team?” Eli grins and shakes his head. “I don’t miss high school football at all.”

“We weren’t that bad back then,” I defend, because we weren’t. We just played teams that were so much better than us.

“I understand where you’re coming from with the pressure,” Eli says, changing the subject. “With Ash gone, coaches are looking at me to carry this team.”

“What about Jerry?” He was Ash’s second-string last year. He’s a senior this year and can throw like a motherfucker. And by motherfucker, I mean pretty great.

“He’s been messing up. Throwing a lot of interceptions lately.” Eli sends me a look. “Haven’t you noticed?”

I shrug. “It’s still early days.”

“We’ve been practicing for a month. Our first game is this Saturday.”

Nerves flare within me at his words. “Shit.”

“Yeah. You forgetting dates or what?”

We’ve been in class for a week. I haven’t forgot. But then again, I sort of have. I’m just going with the flow, and not really paying attention to what’s going on around me, I guess. Too busy always looking for Ellie.

Haven’t spotted her on campus once. Is she even here? I don’t know. I’d love to ask Eli about her, but that’s opening a can of worms I don’t want to examine right now.

So I keep my mouth shut instead.

Ever since our kiss that night, I haven’t really seen her. Definitely haven’t talked to her. Girl said she was blowing me off and she’s stuck to her word. I deserve her abandonment. I give her a gift and tell her I can’t be with her. I kiss her, after letting another girl suck my dick, all in the same night. Ellie is right.

I’m a complete asshole.

But I’m also right.

I don’t deserve her.

I miss her though. So damn much. I miss her smiling face and laughing eyes. I miss her encouragement and the way she makes me believe I can do anything I set my mind to. I miss just being in her presence, whether it’s in person or virtual. She hasn’t even Snapchatted my ass, not once in the last month, which is some sort of record for us. It also hurts.

Her rejection stings, but I suppose I asked for this, acting like I did that night.