“I hate you,” I whisper, my throat aching. I don’t hate him. Not even close. I hate what he did to me. I hate how he pushed me away and made me feel like utter garbage. I hate more that I’m back in his arms and giving in so easily.
But I also love him. I love him so damn much, it hurts.
I hurt all over.
“Keep telling yourself that,” he whispers, his mouth settling on mine briefly before he pulls away. Slowly he lowers me to the floor, where I land on wobbly feet, and he lets me go completely, backing up a couple of steps. “Go.”
I blink up at him, trying to control my shuddery breaths.
“Go on, get out of here,” he urges, his voice hard as steel. “Before I do something we both might regret.”
Scrambling for the handle, I push open the door and stumble out of the bedroom, striding down the hall with my head bent, my hair covering my face. My mind is awhirl with about a million emotions, none of them I can fully comprehend. I don’t know how to feel, I don’t know what to tell my friends, and I sure as hell don’t know how to pretend that nothing just happened between Eli and me.
Somehow, though, I’m able to function. Lifting my head, I find myself in the living room, my friends watching me. They all look worried, especially Jocelyn. I approach the dining table, smiling and shaking my head at a cute guy who asks me if I want a beer. I’ve never seen him before in my life, but the moment I walk past him, I hear Eli tell the guy, “Leave her the fuck alone.”
I don’t stick around to hear what else is said.
“What happened? Are you okay?” Hayden asks when I collapse into the empty chair.
“How long have I been gone?” I lift my hand, my fingers still shaking as I run them through my hair, hoping I seem nonchalant.
“Fifteen, twenty minutes, I think?” Gracie shrugs. The other girls nod their agreement. “Did you two have a fight?”
“Yes. We argued.” It’s just like Eli predicted. “It was…we got nowhere in our conversation.”
Hey, that’s not a lie. Our conversation really went nowhere.
Jocelyn touches my arm. “Did he upset you?”
“No more than usual,” I say with a shrug. Her hand falls away. “Why do you ask?”
“Your face is really red. Like you’re mad or—something.” She sends me a searching look and I glance away, uncomfortable with her scrutiny.
I don’t want her thinking something else happened. I’m not going to tell them Eli kissed me. And that it was the hottest kiss we’ve shared in…
Forever.
Nope, I’m keeping that little fact to myself.
I fill them in briefly on the argument, only offering up the main points: he still doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. I still think he’s a jerk. They all nod in agreement and lightly insult him with the exception of Gracie. Her silence is so obvious that Hayden finally has to say something.
“Are you really not taking our girl’s side here?” she asks Gracie.
“Hey, I just lived with him for a year,” Gracie says. “I witnessed the demise of their relationship.”
I wince. What a way to put it.
“Meaning you witnessed him being a complete raging asshole,” Hayden mutters, sending me a ‘don’t worry, I’ve got your back,’ look.
“He really wasn’t that much of an asshole,” Gracie admits. “Yeah, he overreacted and should’ve never made her choose. That was a dumb move on his part. But he suffered over it. A lot.”
I hate hearing that. I want to believe he didn’t suffer at all. That I’m the only one who took the brunt of our breakup while he went about his business as if nothing ever happened between us.
It’s easier to believe that’s how it went down, because I’m the victim in that scenario, which garners sympathy and….
And since when do I want to play the victim?
“Do you regret coming tonight?” Jocelyn asks, her face full of concern.