The Senior (College Years 4)

“Are you two ever going to be able to fix this?” Ellie asks.

“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “Is it best that I just let him go and we move on? First love doesn’t always last forever.”

“No, it doesn’t,” she agrees. “But I thought you two were special.”

So did I, not that I want to admit it now.

“Clearly he’s too wrapped up in his own ego to see what he’s doing,” I say, sounding like a bitter old hag. “I think I should move on.”

“Really?” Ellie squeaks. She sounds surprised.

“Yes,” I say with a nod, even though she can’t see me. “I need to go out with friends. Meet someone new. Maybe lots of someone news.”

That’s never going to happen with the friend group here. Eli is part of it. And I have no single friends here.

Right now, I wish I was in San Diego. I suppose I could go down there if I really wanted to, though I really have nowhere to live. I bet Mom and Dad would rent an apartment for me, and then I could eventually find roommates for the spring semester.

The problem is, my old roommates are in their place for the school year, so I can’t live with them. I really don’t want to live with strangers. And I really don’t want to live on my

own either. Sleeping in my own apartment at night, every night sounds…

A little scary.

Not that I would admit that to anyone. I’m supposed to be an independent woman who can handle anything. I’m twenty years old, for the love of God. Years ago, women my age were already married and having children.

I’m definitely not ready for all of that responsibility. Living on my own, being my own person and not attached to someone else—that’s overwhelming too. I was comfortable being part of a team. Ava and Eli.

Eli and Ava.

Now I’m just Ava.

And I’m terrified. Despite everything we’ve gone through, I’m afraid to be on my own and do my own thing.

It’s almost as if I don’t know how.

My experience in Spain was amazing, but I was accompanied by someone the entire time. The host family I lived with had a daughter two years younger than me, and we became fast friends. I also made friends with others who were involved in the study abroad program. We would all see the sights together. I never, ever felt alone, and I was experiencing so many new things, I didn’t have time to think. Or worry. Or wonder what Eli was doing without me.

Okay, that last part is a lie. I definitely thought about Eli, and wondered what he was doing. But then I’d shove him out of my head and focus on what I was doing and experiencing. I could worry about him later.

Like now. It’s all I do. Doesn’t help that he pushes himself upon me every chance he can get. It’s like he can’t leave me alone, and I get it.

Even though he frustrates me and I’d love to sock him in the nuts like I threatened him when he snuck into my room last night, I still can’t resist him either.

I’m just as bad as he is.

“…and you never did explain how Eli ended up at your house, you know,” Ellie says, her words bringing me back to the present.

I tell her about seeing him at Southgate.

“All the restaurants in town and we both pick that one,” I say.

“Not like there are a lot of options,” Ellie says.

She’s so right. “Is it ever going to hurt less? Seeing him?”

“Yes,” Ellie says, her voice soft. “I know it hurts right now and feels overwhelming, but eventually, it’s going to lessen, and it’ll get easier. And someday, you’ll most likely forget all about him.”

“Doubtful,” I automatically say because I can’t imagine ever forgetting about Eli Bennett.