Mel squinted, one hand braced over her eyes to shield the sun, and saw Craig almost immediately. Even with the droves of people gathered on this unseasonably warm spring day, he stuck out to her. Like there was this invisible string tugging her toward him, and it disconcerted her that she still felt that old, familiar draw when she wanted to feel nothing at all.
She drew closer, close enough to watch him for a moment as she approached, but without being noticed as he scrolled through his phone. He wore a t-shirt and jeans. In front of him sat a bag with what she assumed was the contents of their lunch. Beneath him, he had spread out an old quilt. She wondered where he got it, unless he had a place there now—in New York City. Just the thought made her stomach squeeze uncomfortably.
She closed the gap between them, and as she neared the blanket, Craig glanced up and smiled, recognition brightening his eyes to a deep blue, the same color as the sky.
He stood, towering above her like he always did, and faster than she could blink, leaned in and brushed his lips over her cheek in greeting. “Thanks for meeting me.”
Mel nodded wordlessly. Mostly because the tightness in her throat made it impossible to speak. Instead, she took a seat across from him, and once they were both settled, he said, “I hope it wasn’t hard to get a sitter.”
“It was fine,” Mel said, mostly because it wasn’t easy. She didn’t exactly have a list of people to call. Her parents were in Florida, Marti left for her trip, and Caroline was likely getting ready for the PopNewz party. Her only choice had been Blake, which she felt awful about. There weren’t many situations more awkward than calling him up and asking him to watch the kids while she entertained her ex, prior to their date.
“Good,” he said, then began unloading the contents of his bag. “I stopped at a deli for sandwiches and got you a Rueben. I know they’re your favorite.”
“Uh, thanks,” she said as he nudged one toward her. There was so much history between them. This sandwich was just one of a million reminders that he knew her better than almost anyone. At least he used to. A lot had changed in the last four years—she had changed. Mel was no longer the same woman he left.
Unsettled, she knew she’d never be able to eat. Her stomach squeezed, and her insides threatened to riot as she watched him, seemingly content, unwrap his own food with gusto. “So, tell me about yourself,” Craig said. “I want to know how you’ve changed, everything I missed.”
The question took the wind from her lungs. Was he serious?
She eyed him like he’d lost his mind, then said, “Shouldn’t I be the one asking the questions?”
He paused, his sandwich midway to his mouth, and lowered it, his eyes downcast. “Yeah.” He nodded, at least having the decency to look contrite. “I’m sorry. I guess I just . . . I wanted to hear about you and the kids before I explained myself. I was afraid that once I did, you’d send me on my way, and I wouldn’t ever get the chance to hear what your life’s been like.”
He blinked over at her. Silence stretched between them, and Mel hated that she had to be the one that started this conversation, but it was the only one worth having, the only one that mattered. “I need to know about the day you left,” she said.
Craig exhaled and leaned back on his hands. “That day . . . I didn’t even think. I didn’t take the time to consider the repercussions, like the fact that I was leaving you and the babies without medical care, or the fact that you’d have to deal with it all alone. I just told myself you were strong. And you had your parents. You could handle it.” He shook his head, his expression tight. “It was wrong. I was so wrong.”
Anger spiked her blood. “Yeah, you were.”
He met her eyes, his expression earnest. “I wish there was something I could say about why I left, some way to explain it to make it better, but there’s not. I was selfish. I was young and immature. I was scared at the prospect of being good enough for one child, let alone three. But there are no reasons that could justify it.”
“The one question that haunted me for so long was, Why? Why’d you do it?” A sad smile curled the corners of Mel’s lips before she shook her head, and it vanished. “I guess sometimes there aren’t really answers, at least not like you want there to be.”
She had tortured herself for years, hoping there was some sort of explanation to make it all better, to explain it all away. But there wasn’t. It was just as it seemed, a selfish, cowardly move.
Craig hung his head. “When we got home from the hospital, suddenly, it felt like we needed to know everything. There was no buffer or learning curve. We weren’t just preparing anymore. It was real. We had three babies, and I felt so much pressure to know what the heck I was doing, to support us. And I just . . . I made an excuse to get out of the apartment, and before I knew what I was doing, I was walking past the drugstore and gone.”
“Don’t you think I was scared too? You don’t think I had the same insecurities, the same fears, and thoughts?” Anger squeezed her lungs like a rubber band, threatening to snap. “But they needed us. What would have happened had I run too? They needed someone to step up. And we should’ve figured it out together. As husband and wife.”
Craig’s throat bobbed. “I know.”
Well, he hadn’t denied what a jerk he was. At least that was something. Too bad it wasn’t enough.
“I was weak, and you were so strong. You were always the stronger one,” he murmured.
Anger fisted around her heart. So because she was strong, and he was weak, she got the short end of the stick? He had asked her to forgive him, but how? There was too much damage. Some scar tissue was just too thick.
“Mel . . .” Craig reached out and grabbed her hand, and it took everything inside her not to shove him away. “Maybe I can’t ever give you a good enough explanation for why I left, but I can tell you why I came back.”
Her pulse pounded, and her hands clenched into fists under his touch. “Why?”
“After I left, I felt . . . lost. I travelled a bit and went to see some extended family that lives further south, trying to figure out what to do with myself. It took me a while to even settle down, to find a job, and start living again because guilt tends to weigh you down.”
Mel gave him a hard look as he continued, “But I did, eventually. Still, I led a hollow and empty life. Something was missing, yet I couldn’t bring myself to come back and admit how wrong I was. And then, one night after a late shift working on a house, I fell asleep at the wheel. When I came to, it was two days later in a hospital bed.”
He let go of her hand and pulled the neck of his shirt down to reveal his shoulders, then lifted the hem of his shirt to reveal his side. The skin was puckered and raised in angry red lashes.
When he lowered the thin cotton again, Mel swallowed. “How bad was it?” she asked.