A Place Without You

“Henna?”

I glance over Gail’s shoulder and past the security guard at Bodhi. His brow is wrinkled, his eyes wandering as he tries to assess the situation.

“Bodhi …” my voice cracks as I push past Gail.

The security guard grabs me.

“Bodhi!”

“Pete, get your fucking hands off her!” Bodhi’s booming voice sends all heads in his direction as Pete releases me and I run into Bodhi’s arms.

“What’s wrong?” he whispers in my ear as he cups the back of my head. Those two words stumble a bit like he knows something is wrong—like he’s bracing for my answer.

No amount of bracing can protect him from the pain. It’s just not possible. So I don’t wait a second longer because I can no longer bear the burden of truth alone.

“He never woke up.”

Bodhi releases me. His hands grab my face as his eyes narrow and fill with the truth. He knows, even if it hurts too much to admit. He knows.

“Henna …” He swallows hard.

“I’m sorry.”

His hands fall from my face. The few people around us step back.

Bodhi’s jaw clenches as his face distorts to keep it together. He opens his mouth several times to speak, but swallows instead to keep his composure. “He killed himself?”

My nose and eyes burn as I blink out several big tears. “He didn’t wake up, Bodhi. His body was just … done.” I hate that we’re sharing these words in front of an audience. I hate that I so easily hand him a lie wrapped in the truth, and that there’s no going back now.

He nods slowly, gaze on me, but not really on me at all. Holding out my hand, I wait for him to take it. Bodhi makes a slow, lifeless glance around at the secretary, Gail, and the security guard, then he takes my hand.

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

We lay Barrett Henry Malone to rest next to his wife on a sunny Thursday morning in May. Bella stands next to Bodhi on one side while I stand on his other side, holding his hand. I’m surprised how many friends are here. Not just Barrett’s friends, but most of the teachers from the school, including Principal Rafferty and a handful of students. Even Bella has friends from Kentucky who flew in for the funeral.

When the graveside ceremony ends, I join my parents and Zach by the limo while Bodhi and Bella watch the casket get lowered into the ground. Since she arrived the day after he died, I haven’t seen Bella shed one tear. At first I thought she was angry, but it’s just her personality. She’s been very matter-of-factly making funeral arrangements, even helping friends and family find hotel accommodations.

But right now, she looks utterly deflated, just like Bodhi. Adult orphans before the age of thirty.

“Did I mess up?” I whisper to my mom as she squeezes my hand while we watch Bella and Bodhi.

Bella’s ironclad composure crumbles when the casket disappears below the earth. Bodhi’s hand slowly reaches for hers. When she takes his hand, he turns, pulling her into his embrace.

Mom squeezes my hand again. “No, sweetie.”

As much as I want to be by Bodhi’s side to comfort him, I know that’s not my place right now, so I climb into the limo and head back to the Malone’s house where family and a few close friends gather for a lunch that my mom arranged.

I disposed of the prescription bag and bottle two days ago, but when we arrive at the house, I make a quick sweep of his bedroom and bathroom to make sure nothing got missed.

“Hey.”

I jump, turning away from the vanity in Barrett’s bathroom, easing the drawer shut.

“Hey.” I step right into Bodhi’s body, wrapping my arms around him.

“What are you looking for?”

“Aspirin. I have a bit of a headache.” Closing my eyes, I inwardly cringe at the lies that slide off my tongue so easily. I hate it.

“Sorry.” He kisses my head and rests his cheek on it. “I know the past few days have been really difficult for you too. I hate that you had to be the one to find him. I should have been the one to try to wake him up that morning. I should have—”

“Shh …” I lift onto my toes and press my lips to his to silence him.

We stay idle like this for a few moments until he relaxes.

“No apologies.” I kiss his neck, his jaw, and his lips. It’s loving, not sexual.

It’s truth. Beyond all the lies, I hope he will always know that my love for him is truth. I hope no lie will ever matter more than this truth.

“Bodhi?” Bella calls from the family room.

I step back, giving him a soft smile.

“Aspirin is in the other bathroom.”

“Okay.”

When he turns, I lean against the counter and exhale. Today I hurt, not just my heart, but my whole body. My back feels like it’s ready to break, so I worm my way through the people in the living room to the table next to Barrett’s chair. When no one seems to be looking, I retrieve the joint he saved for me and the lighter. I escape to the back deck. It’s much smaller than the front porch, but it’s also devoid of people. It’s a beautiful afternoon. Maybe that’s a sign. Even on a bad day, there is something good.

I light the joint and take a drag while sitting on the top step that gives me a clear view of Duke’s and Etta’s trailer.

“You owe me, Barrett.” Holding the joint a few inches from my lips, I stare at the cloudless sky. “In another life, you will owe me.”

A red-tailed hawk flies above, making a hoarse screech.

“Don’t argue with me, old man.” Giggling, I take another hit. “To you, Barrett. I hope you’re reunited with the love of your life. I can’t imagine ever being separated from mine again.”

After a final hit, I lie back on the warped boards, extend my arms into a T, and close my eyes, letting the warmth of the sun blanket me like one last hug, one last goodbye from Barrett.

“I love you too,” I whisper.

CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

“We should go through his stuff,” Bella suggests after the last family member leaves.

Bodhi lifts the bag of trash from the plastic kitchen bin and ties it. “Not tonight.”

An uncomfortable tension lingers between them, but the feeling of that tension has shifted. Before, there was an obvious pull from opposite directions. Now, there’s this empty void that they fill with confrontational comments. It’s as if they don’t remember how to get along, how to just be siblings.

“Bodhi, I want to go through his stuff before I go home.”

“No one said you have to go through his stuff at all. I’ll do it when I’m ready.”

My high has worn off. Too bad. I’d rather not be here for this conversation. From the kitchen table, I nibble on leftover veggie tray carrots as they go back and forth—Bella leaning against the counter by the kitchen sink, Bodhi by the back door, holding the garbage bag.

“I want to go through his stuff. Did you ever think that maybe there’s something sentimental that I might want to keep?”

“Fine. Go pilfer through his stuff. I’ll deal with the leftovers later.”

“Pilfer? Jesus. I’m not stealing anything. Why do you have to be such a dick about it?”

My gaze follows the volleying of their jabs.

“Yes. I’m the one being a dick about it. There was nothing dickish about you packing up and leaving after the accident.”

Bella pushes off the counter, planting her hands on her hips. “Oh, did you accidentally get high and shitfaced? Did you accidentally need Dad to come get you? I think the days of calling it an accident are over. You fucked up because that’s what you are—you’re a fuckup. He would have beat the cancer had he not been in a wheelchair.”

Bodhi drops the bag of trash. “Oh, really. What doctor told you that? None? Oh, that’s right. You weren’t here to go to the doctor with him. Leaving was your stupid explanation for punishing me. Well guess what? I didn’t want you here anyway. The only person you punished by leaving was Dad. He busted his ass for years making your dreams come true. Have you looked at the sign at the end of the property? It doesn’t say Bodhi’s Stables.”

Her jaw clenches. “You killed him, and you damn well know it. That’s on you. You weren’t even here the morning he died. You left your pothead girlfriend to find him.”

“Shut the fuck up about her!”

I freeze. No longer feeling hungry, I let the carrot in my hand drop to the tray.

“It’s on your conscience, Bodhi, not mine.”

“You killed him by never fucking being here! Maybe if you would have been here more, he would have felt more loved by you and felt like he had a greater reason to fight!” Bodhi’s voice booms as he clenches his fists, taking another step closer to Bella.

She doesn’t back down. With two quick steps, she shoves his chest. “Murderer!”

“Don’t you fucking touch me!” He grabs her arms.

“Let go of me!” She wriggles. “Are you going to kill me too?”

“I. Didn’t. Kill. Him!” He shakes her.

“You did! You killed him, and mom, and your own goddamn life, and—”

“I KILLED HIM!” I bang the table with my hands as I shoot up, sending my chair backward, crashing to the floor.