I felt his eyes on me while I made my way to the door, and it was that stifling feeling again. Like I couldn’t breathe in here.
“Kellan.”
“What?” Christ, just lemme go. I fiddled with my keys in my hand and waited.
Shan walked closer, then sighed and stuck his hands down into the pockets of his sweats. “I would like to say I haven’t contacted that man again because I’m not ready, but the truth is, the only time we met, I was caught off guard.”
I frowned, confused, and couldn’t avoid his gaze any longer.
“I felt myself spiral out of control,” he admitted. “I suppose, in a way, it was too intense—something I haven’t experienced in the past, and it bothered me.” He swallowed. “Or terrified me.”
I didn’t understand. “Why would it terrify you? It’s not like you d—” Fuck. I had to act like I didn’t know what’d transpired between them slash us. “I mean. You, uh, you didn’t do anything, did you?”
“Do anything?” he questioned. “It terrified me because I thought I was old enough to know what sex is supposed to feel like.”
That made me straighten, and my eyebrows went up a fraction. Was he saying…? “Hold up. You’re saying it freaked you out because it was, what, too good? That kind of intense?”
Shan’s suddenly shuttered expression told me he was done; he’d reached his limit and didn’t feel comfortable talking to me about this anymore. He’d tried. And kudos and all that, but I wanted to know more. Desperately. Because this changed everything. I didn’t have to wonder if I’d done something wrong that night, right?
“I think I’ve been plenty candid now,” he answered tightly. “Please don’t stay up too late. If I remember correctly, you’re going to the airport soon. Goodnight.” He spun on his heel and strode toward the guest room, and I couldn’t help myself.
“Shan,” I said. I wasn’t going to smile—or grin all cheesy—because he’d misinterpret it, but I had to give him one piece of advice.
He stayed in the doorway to the guest room and glanced halfway over his shoulder, just enough to let me know I had his attention.
“Reach out to that guy again,” I told him. “You once told me you weren’t sure what passion was like. Maybe that’s what it was—and you don’t wanna run from that.”
He stood rigid in the same position for a beat longer, then offered a quick nod in acknowledgment before he disappeared into his room.
Who knew what it would lead to—if anything. Maybe, though… Maybe I’d have a reason to check that phone with only a single number in it again.
I headed down to Luna’s place, feeling a bit better about myself, and leaned closer to the door. She was always complaining halfheartedly about CJ sleeping more during the day than the night.
On a scale from one to one and a half, how terrible of a brother would I be if I knocked on the door and accidentally woke up CJ?
I winced and went all in on a horrible idea. I knocked carefully on the door—three times—before I waited and listened.
Then I flinched back as the door flew open long before I’d anticipated.
“Jesus.” I swallowed and exhaled, getting a bit too jumpy. After my night, nothing should faze me. Wait a damn minute. She stood there dressed in one of my tees and a pair of yoga pants, and she was waiting to burp CJ, judging by the towel over her shoulder and the cooing baby in her arms, so clearly, she wasn’t on her way out. I scowled at her. “I could’ve been anyone. You’re supposed to use the chain lock.”
She stared up at me with a flat expression and bounced CJ lightly in her arms. “Seriously? That’s why you came down here at four in the morning?”
I grinned and closed the distance between us, then gave her forehead a loud smooch before I snuck past her. “No, I just wanted to see you. But the chain lock is there for a reason, you know. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
“Big brothers who bitch about the chain lock but are willing to wake up their single-parent sisters in the middle of the night run a much greater risk of getting killed in freak accidents, just so you know.”
She had a valid point.
“I might consider that in the future.” I sat down on the couch and patted the spot next to me. “C’mere. I want a moment with my crew.”
That obviously set off some internal alarm with her, and the instant expression of cautiousness and worry on her face made me launch into a string of reassurances before she could open her mouth. Everything was fine. No, I wasn’t dying. I really just wanted some quality time with my family.
Luna sat down next to me and eyed me for a while longer, which I was going to start taking personal soon. I wasn’t a distant brother or uncle. I just didn’t make it a habit to visit her randomly in the middle of the night.