I smiled sadly. Yeah, that sounded like the wisdom of a seven-year-old Patrick.
“I wasn’t going to bring it. I just looked at it…” He stifled a low sob behind his hand. “I forgot to make him promise that he had to last forever too.”
Jesus. Emotions welled up within me, and I closed the last distance to put an arm around his shoulders.
“You can’t punish yourself like that, Shannon,” I whispered.
“It feels like I deserve it,” he croaked. “I’ve had more happier moments lately—thanks to you and the children—but at the end of the day, I’m struck with such guilt. Maybe I don’t deserve to move forward.”
Fuck, he couldn’t believe that.
“Not to be a dick, but Pat would side with me on this,” I murmured. “He’d thank anyone who brightened your mood.” I reached out and stole his smoke and took a drag. “Besides, moving forward doesn’t mean abandoning the past. It’ll be a part of you for as long as you live. Just like Patrick will be.”
Shan shuddered a breath and wiped at his cheeks.
I put out the cigarette in the ashtray. “You sometimes tell me there’s a void inside you, and I don’t believe that for a second. A void is an empty space.” I slipped my hand over his chest and rested it above his heart. “This is anything but empty, sir. Patrick’s place in your heart is still full of the love you have for him. Right? It’s not going anywhere.” I dropped a kiss to his shoulder, unable to help myself. “But losing him crammed a world of hurt into the same spot, and that’s why you have to let it take time. That pain will eventually get quieter. Smaller. I promise you. Without robbing you of the good times, all the memories, your love for him—it’ll always be there.”
He covered my hand with his and closed his eyes, and a tear rolled down his cheek.
“I want to live, Kellan.”
Fuck, those words hit me hard, and I had to screw my eyes shut. Pain mingled with indescribable relief.
“I want to find a purpose again,” he whispered. “I want to be happy.”
Let me help you.
I sniffled and dropped my forehead to his shoulder. “Then you have to start somewhere, and…here’s a crazy idea. Let’s go to France.” I lifted my head again and cupped his jaw. “Let’s eat bouillabaisse in Marseille, Saint Agur in Haute-Loire, and confit de canard in Bordeaux. And I think we can pick up decent wine there too.”
He smiled and tilted his head to kiss the inside of my palm.
He had to see, he had to see, he had to see.
I brushed away the last remnants of his tears with my thumb. “It’ll be fun, Shan. I’ll even let you check out my ass.”
He chuckled thickly and lolled his head my way until our foreheads touched. I could swear my heart stopped for a second, but he wasn’t there. He was miles away, eyes still closed and a sliver of contentment softening his smile.
It didn’t stop my pulse from thrumming faster.
It didn’t stop certain images from invading my mind either.
We’d been this close before, but I didn’t want the darkness anymore.
“Did Finn give you the itinerary today?” he asked quietly.
“Yeah.” All the tickets, two passports and two driver’s licenses with new identities, and hotel reservations were in the iPad case on the table. Along with three thousand euros. “Want me to give you a rundown?”
He nodded against my forehead and made no move to ease off.
So I didn’t move either. “Philly to London tomorrow night,” I murmured. “London to Alicante in the southeast of Spain the following morning. Eric didn’t think it was clever we entered France through an airport, so I copied my usual vacation route.” Only, we were starting south and heading north, when I normally did the opposite. “We’ll rent a car and head over to Benidorm, where we’ll stay a couple nights. My pale ass needs some sun.”
Shan smirked a little. “You mention your ass a lot, son.”
“You might as well get used to it. It tends to get a lot of attention in Spain.” This year, I only wanted his attention. “But please stop talking about my ass now. I’m trying to tell you about our trip.”
He hummed and dropped a hand to my knee. It didn’t take more than that to derail my thoughts, but dammit, I had to do this.
“We’ll drive up the coast, do two nights outside of Barcelona, and then we’re in France.”
He sighed wistfully. “Then we’re in France.”
“It’ll be good for you, I think.”
“I think you might be right.” He cleared his throat and rubbed my knee slowly. He couldn’t fucking know what that did to me. “You’ve grown up to become a remarkable young man, Kellan. If I ever get to feeling like an unwavering rock again, I’ll have you to thank for it.”