I laugh. “True. I won’t argue with you there.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Flint
“Rats!” Harrison pulls the red bow and white blanket off the cage.
“What in God’s name …” Heidi’s mom, Sandy, covers her mouth with her hand.
“They’re rats, Grandma. Just like Ellen has.”
“Who’s Ellen?”
“I told you she gave me the guitar and parachuted. She also had sex with Dad and she bakes the best chocolate chip cookies ever.”
My parents cringe as Harrison spews off random facts about Ellen like it’s her résumé. Sandy doesn’t look too happy. I have this feeling Harrison probably mentioned the guitar and maybe the skydiving, but the sex is news to her—and not the good kind of news.
“Are they male or female?” Harrison asks.
“A word, Flint?” Sandy stands.
“Here, buddy.” My dad gets on the floor by the tree with Harrison to give him the rat information.
I follow Sandy into my office.
“The only reason I gave you custody of Harrison was because I thought you were ready to be a mature father, but—”
“Whoa! Gave me custody? The reason I finished getting my law degree was to get him back without you airing my dirty laundry to the whole damn world. I fought for him. You did not give anything to me.”
She steps closer, holding up her finger. “I made you fight for him to prove you had what it took. I needed to know you were in it for the long haul. I needed to know you weren’t going to give up on your son, who not only needs a father but someone who can help him with his special needs—the way his mother would have done.”
Sandy’s biggest regret has always been my saving grace, even if it’s all fucked-up. She encouraged Heidi to trust my judgment that night. She should not have. It’s her guilt that kept me out of prison. She could have insisted they check my blood alcohol level right after the accident, but she didn’t. Shock, grief, and guilt kept her from saying anything to anyone. In the meantime, the alcohol cleared my system while paramedics focused on my son and my wife.
The accident left me unscathed on the outside but dead on the inside.
She filed for custody after we buried Heidi. It was too late to prove that my alcoholism caused the accident, but it wasn’t too late to save her grandson from any more grief.
I didn’t even fight her; I let her take him because I was fucked-up in every way possible.
“Harrison says everything out of context. You know that.”
“So you didn’t have sex with this Ellen person?”
“My sex life is none of your business.”
“Maybe not, but my grandson talking like he lives in a brothel is certainly my business.”
“A brothel? Really?” I try not to chuckle.
“Did you tell him you had sex with this woman or did he see you having sex with her?”
I sigh, rubbing the back of my neck. “Her name is Ellen, not ‘this woman,’ and I’m not going to discuss this with you. He’s my son. My responsibility. I will raise him as I see fit.”
“Are you drinking again?”
“Jesus, Sandy …”
“When’s the last time you were at a meeting?”
“What does it matter?”
“My daughter is dead. Whether you like it or not, I’m her voice. So you can answer my question or I can get an attorney.”
“Then get an attorney.”
“You killed her.” Her voice breaks.
I flinch. I will never dispute that fact.
“You can’t just replace her in his life.”
“I’m not replacing her.”
“Six years. Just wait until he’s an adult. Can you do that? Can you show a little gratitude and do this for him? Can you just let him be your priority? Can you forego your physical needs and just be a dad?”
Her words are my words. They’ve been my thoughts of self-deprecation since Heidi died. Ellen changed that, but that doesn’t matter now either. She’s no longer in the picture.
“Yes.”
Sandy blows out a slow breath. “Thank you.” She turns and walks away.
It’s hard to resent Ellen leaving me when, had she stayed, it might have caused some real problems between Sandy and me. Still, I miss her every damn day.
“Ellen, look at my rats!”
Sandy gives me a hard look as Harrison video chats with Ellen, like I have any control over it. I give her a shrug and head to the kitchen to avoid all things Sandy and all things Ellen.
“You did good, Son.” My dad pats me on the shoulder.
“How so?” I load the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher.
“The rats.”
“Don’t be too proud too quickly. After today, he’s going to find out that they will be kept in his room and banned from every other room in the house or they’re gone.”
“Fair enough.” Dad leans in and whispers, “They’re fucking creepy.”
I chuckle. “Told you.”
“Everything good with Sandy?”
“Yup.”
“Don’t let her guilt you out of having a life beyond Harrison.”
“I do that just fine on my own, Dad.”
“Did you say hi to Ellen? She looks stunning today.”
She looks stunning every day. “Nope.”
“You should pack up the kid and go get the girl.”
I grunt a laugh. “Great idea. Pack up the kid who made me promise him we would not move. And go get the girl after I just promised Sandy I’d live a celibate life for the next six years. I want to be you when I grow up, Dad. Don’t think. Just do. You live in a ‘fantastic’ world.”
“Thinking is what people do when they’re not following their dreams.”
“I’ll stop thinking and start dreaming in six years.”
“She’ll be married with two kids by then.” My dad fills the sink with hot soapy water. My mom has taught him well.
“Lucky for me, she’s not the last female on the face of the planet.”
“Your mom and I can talk with Sandy.”
I shut the dishwasher door. “Dad, let it go. The truth is, her leaving was for the best. As much as I thought for a brief moment that she could fit into our lives, the truth is it would have been extremely difficult, and I fear it would have ended in disaster.”
“Wanna say Merry Christmas to Ellen?”
Dad and I turn to the iPad in Harrison’s hands. Shit. She heard us. I can tell from the look on her face.
“Merry Christmas, Ellen.” My dad smiles at her. He has no idea how well that thing picks up sound, but I do.
She forces a smile that shoves a knife straight through my heart. “Thanks, Gene.”
“Merry Christmas,” I say.
She barely nods at me before diverting her gaze to something else in the room around her. Technology sucks. And I’m an asshole.
Harrison runs off again.
I do the dishes with my dad, pick up the wrapping paper disaster in the family room, and escape to my office for some privacy while Harrison plays with his rats and other Christmas presents. My parents and Sandy take mid-morning naps.
After debating what good can come of calling Ellen to apologize—and deciding that nothing good can come of it—I call her anyway because all I hear in my head is her voice.
“I’m going to love you so hard, time won’t matter … distance won’t matter … all you’ll feel when you take each breath … is my love.”
“Hey,” she answers.
“Hi. I … uh … wanted to say sorry for what you heard.”
“What makes you think I heard anything?”
“Ellen …”
“It’s doesn’t matter. I know those words weren’t meant for me. I get it.”
“I didn’t mean—”
She laughs. It sounds painful. “You meant it.”
“I just meant … I didn’t mean anything unkind. I was just explaining …”
“Life,” she whispers. “I know.”
“I don’t regret anything.”
“Well…” she chuckles “…we’ll see about that.”
“I don’t.” It kills me that she doesn’t believe me.
“With two words, I’m going to make you regret ever meeting me.”
“Elle, I won’t ever regret—”
“I’m pregnant.”
What?
Leaning back in my chair, I run a hand through my hair, fisting it hard to make sure I’m awake and not dreaming or hallucinating. She didn’t say that. No. This can’t be … “We used—”
“Not every time.”
Closing my eyes, I rub my temples. We didn’t use condoms every time. There were a few times at my house—in my bed—that I simply woke up and needed to be inside of her. She blinked her tired eyes open and kissed me. Not once did she question the lack of a condom—she just moved her body slowly with mine.
“Not every time …” I whisper.
“I wasn’t going to share this today, but you called me, and then you tried to convince me that you regret nothing and … well … it was too much to bear. Don’t let it ruin your day. I mean, I’ve been vomiting for the past forty-eight hours, but really, you just enjoy the holidays with your family and we’ll discuss it later.”