I wasn’t sure if that was why Cristian had emailed me the cases, to make sure there was a legitimate reason for our meeting, or if it was so he could tangle his life with mine, make it impossible to escape.
Instead of jumping over the seat of the car and ripping Felix’s hair out, instead of calling the police, FBI or whoever the fuck dealt with shit like this, I calmly got out of the car. Then I walked into my building and took the email to the partners. I accepted their praise, promises of advancements, and ignored the quirk of Edwin’s brow—he likely suspected I’d done something untoward in order to get this client, and he was impressed. I accepted the workload that came with Cristian’s business and locked myself in my office for the rest of the day, emptying the flask I kept in my desk for emergencies. I didn’t even stay until five, I left early, as soon as my flask was empty.
Then I went home to an empty apartment.
It was hours later and I was slightly buzzed when I realized that I hadn’t asked about Pete. About where he was, if he was even still alive.
“You are still clinging on to that image you try to project to the world. You are trying to deny all of your sordid wants. You are going to act disgusted at this turn of events, but it excites you.”
I stood in the middle of my living room with Cristian’s words echoing in my head. As much as I hated him, understood that he was a monster, a criminal, I hated the fact that he knew me more. That he saw me. In a way no one else ever had. He’d forced me to see myself.
My past was clinging to me now, stuck to my shadow, much too close. I’d never hid from it before, from what I’d done to my mother, how I’d gotten my job, what happened to my mother in the end. I’d acknowledged it all. But I’d distanced myself. Split myself in two.
Now that those two worlds, those two versions of me were mashed together, I couldn’t avoid who I was. What I was.
A monster. Just like him.
My phone buzzed from my purse. I was grateful for the distraction because I had no fucking clue what to do with myself.
* * *
A car will be downstairs in five minutes. It will take you to me.
* * *
My fingertips tingled as I read the text, knowing who it was immediately. He wasn’t giving me time to breathe, to process. He was doing this to unnerve me, of that I was sure. Doing this to communicate how few choices I had here.
My fingers moved quickly.
* * *
Fuck you.
* * *
The typing dots appeared immediately.
* * *
I believe I already did that.
* * *
More dots.
* * *
And I will continue to fuck you, Sienna.
* * *
’Til death do us part.
* * *
I blinked at the screen, my breathing even. Then, very calmly, I hurled my phone at the wall and watched it break into pieces.
In five minutes, I got into the car he sent for me.
I didn’t speak to Felix as we drove.
He tried to make conversation. Which seemed unusual. He did not seem like one for small talk.
Like a teenager, I stared out the window with a scowl on my face and remained silent.
That did not seem to bother him.
“You’re a fighter,” he commented. “You’re going to need that with him. In this life. Otherwise, it will swallow you whole.”
His words curled up in my stomach, settling like a rock. I wanted to ask him what in the fuck he meant by that, what exactly this life was, but I was stubbornly committed to the silent treatment. I also cursed myself for breaking my phone before doing any kind of research on Cristian Romano. Cursed myself for not doing that the entire afternoon instead of burying my head in the sand which was entirely unlike me.
By the time we got to the estate, my head was pounding. I’d drank a whole flask of whisky on an empty stomach. Hadn’t had a sip of water all day. I was running on whisky and adrenaline, nothing else. And it didn’t help that I felt the evidence of Cristian fucking me against the desk as I walked.
I hadn’t noticed before, but at the entrance to the house, there were lions at either side of the door. They were huge. One male lion and a lioness. I laughed out loud at the irony.
I might’ve been walking into the lion’s den, but I was no fucking sheep. I had teeth of my own. It was about time I remembered that.
Felix led me through the house, on the ground level. I’d only been upstairs, to Cristian’s quarters. The memory taunted me, as this was where this all started. My body tortured me with a desire that had not died, despite the situation.