‘That has no bearing on what happened,’ Zoe answered, her voice wobbling noticeably despite her effort to sound reasonable. To feel it. ‘It’s not—it’s not like you caused the pregnancy to be ectopic, Aaron.’
‘I know that.’ He let out a long sigh. ‘But logic doesn’t always trump emotion.’
‘I thought it did with you,’ Zoe said with a small, watery smile.
‘I always meant for it to. But lately…’ He shook his head again, his eyes dark and full of shadows, yet Zoe saw more honesty reflected in them than she’d ever seen before. ‘I don’t know what I feel, Zoe. And I don’t know what you feel. Maybe you want me to go, but I want to be here. With you.’
She felt her throat thicken with tears and she blinked hard. ‘I want you to be here,’ she whispered. ‘But I don’t even know why, or what that means. I don’t know anything, Aaron.’
‘I wouldn’t expect you to,’ Aaron said, his voice rough with emotion. ‘You’re still grieving, Zoe. You’re keeping it all inside, bottling it up. Trust me, I know how that goes. But you’ve got to let it out.’
Her throat was so tight now she could barely speak. She blinked hard, willing the tears back. She might have admitted more to this man than she’d meant to, but she would not cry in front of him. She would not fall apart, because she knew there would be no putting herself back together again. At least not the way she’d been, the way she wanted to be again.
The way she knew she could never return to.
‘No,’ she finally said, the word strangled on a sob. ‘No.’
‘Zoe.’ She felt Aaron’s hands on her shoulders; she still wouldn’t look at him.
‘Don’t,’ she whispered. ‘Please don’t. I can’t.’
‘Why not?’ he asked gently. His hands were still curled around her shoulders and he was slowly, inexorably drawing her towards him. Zoe didn’t have the strength to resist.
‘Why are you doing this?’ she protested brokenly. ‘You’re the one who told me you hated all that emotional stuff. Quantifiable results, remember?’
‘Maybe I’ve changed.’
‘You haven’t.’ She didn’t want him to change. Didn’t want to consider what that meant for her, for her heart.
He had drawn her to him, and now he pulled her onto his lap. Zoe went woodenly, unable to resist, yet still possessing enough strength not to curl into him as she wanted to, accept the comfort he was offering.
‘Zoe,’ he said quietly. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘No.’
‘I’m sorry I hurt you when I offered you that money. I’m sorry I didn’t give us more of a chance when I should have.’
‘No.’
‘And most of all I’m sorry for the loss of our baby. I wanted that child, Zoe. I didn’t even realise how much until—’ He stopped, his voice choking, and the tears she’d only just managed to hold back finally fell, coursing down her cheeks in a hot river as she shook her head, still trying to deny his words, the effect they were having on her.
All her defences were crumbling. Her heart was laid bare, weak, trembling organ that it was—defenceless, vulnerable.
‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered, and he wiped the tears from her cheeks, his arms around her, holding and protecting her. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he said again, a plea, a promise. ‘I’m so, so sorry.’
Zoe didn’t answer. she couldn’t, for now that the tears had fallen the grief she’d locked deep inside came pouring out; her body shook with sobs and she buried her damp face in the warmth of Aaron’s neck as she let her sadness overtake her.
She didn’t know how long she cried. Time ceased to matter or even exist as Aaron held her and she poured out her heart. Eventually she stopped, utterly drained, yet feeling more replete than she had in a long time. She pulled away from him a little, wiped her face. ‘I suppose I needed that.’
‘I think you did.’
Yet now that she’d let the sadness out she didn’t know what was left. she felt empty and, while it didn’t feel too bad now, it still scared her. The future scared her, stretching endlessly ahead, and even though she craved the warmth and comfort of Aaron’s arms she knew she couldn’t stay there. Didn’t even belong there.
‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘For—for understanding.’ She tried to slip off his lap, but his arms tightened around her and he wouldn’t let her go.
‘Don’t, Zoe.’
‘Don’t what?’
‘Don’t push me away again.’
She forced herself to say the truth. ‘It’s not as if there’s any future for us, Aaron.’
‘Isn’t there?’
She stilled, too shocked to form words. ‘What do you mean?’ she finally managed in a whisper.
‘I know we came together out of expediency.’
‘Making the best of a bad situation,’ Zoe reminded him, her voice sharpening just a little.
Aaron acknowledged this with a nod. ‘But I still feel something for you, Zoe, just like you told me I did. I haven’t been able to admit it even to myself, but you saw it. You saw the truth in me.’
‘Wishful thinking on my part,’ Zoe managed and he shook his head.
‘No, it’s the truth. I care about you, and I don’t want to walk away just because things have changed.’
Zoe didn’t answer. Her mind whirled with this new information, because in all the scenarios she’d foggily envisioned she had never once imagined this. She was the one who fell too hard, too fast, who threw herself into relationships, desperate to make them work, to prove she could make them work. And Aaron had made it all too abundantly clear that he didn’t do relationships. Didn’t do love. Had he really changed that much? Had she?
‘Say something,’ Aaron said softly as he brushed the remnants of tears from her eyes. ‘Tell me what you’re thinking.’
‘I don’t know what to think. I never expected you to want more from me. Frankly I thought—I thought you’d be relieved.’
‘Which is why you were angry at me,’ Aaron surmised. ‘Well, in all honesty, I expected to be relieved. I even wanted to be because, hell, that’s easier. But I’m not, Zoe.’ He touched her chin with his fingertip and angled her face towards him. ‘I can’t promise you anything, because I don’t know what I’m capable of. I haven’t had a serious relationship with a woman—ever.’ He let out a shaky laugh. ‘That sounds rather grim, doesn’t it?’
‘Honestly? Yes.’ Zoe managed a smile. ‘But I’m glad you’re admitting it.’
‘But I want to try,’ he said softly. ‘With you.’
Zoe thrilled to hear the words yet, whether it was a thrill of excitement, joy or just fear she didn’t know. Probably all three. She knew herself, knew that if she entered a relationship with Aaron, a proper one, she’d fall fast and hard as she always did. Faster and harder, even, because already this man had stirred up way too many emotions inside her. Already she knew she felt more for him—far more—than she’d ever felt before.
And if she fell and Aaron didn’t? If he tried and failed? He hadn’t even mentioned love, and Zoe was feeling too raw and exposed already to bring it up. Could she survive that all-too-likely scenario?
‘I’m afraid,’ she said quietly. ‘I don’t want to get hurt, Aaron.’
‘I know.’ He said nothing else, made no promises, just as he had said he wouldn’t.
She couldn’t do this. Couldn’t risk so much, not when she’d lost so much already. She might be healing, but the scars were livid, fresh and still so very painful.
‘I always have such bad timing,’ Aaron murmured as he touched a fingertip to her eyelash, where another tear was already forming. ‘I shouldn’t have said all this now, when I just got here and we’ve barely talked. I’m sorry.’
‘Stop apologising,’ she said with a little smile. ‘I think you must have said more sorries tonight than you ever have in your whole lifetime.’
‘I have,’ he admitted. ‘I never say sorry. I never admit I’m wrong.’
‘Why not?’
He thought for a moment. ‘Because admitting it is showing weakness and I don’t want to be weak.’
‘Telling someone you want to be with them could be seen as weakness too,’ Zoe pointed out. Aaron met her gaze steadily.
‘I know.’
Her heart seemed to turn right over. He really was trying. Really was laying himself bare. How could she turn away from that? How could she keep her own heart intact when Aaron was trying to offer his own? Or at least as much of it as he knew how to.
She took a shuddering breath. ‘Aaron…’
‘Don’t answer me now,’ he said, pressing a finger against her parted lips. ‘You need to think. Rest. Recover. All I ask is that you let me stay here with you.’
She nodded, his finger still against her mouth. With a small smile he traced the outline of her lips with the tip of his finger. Zoe felt a little pulse of longing deep in her belly, a jolt to her system, reminding her that she was awake, alive.