Shallow River

How could I when he thinks I let Billy put his hands on me? As if I had the goddamn choice.

“I’m willing to forgive you, River. I know”—he clenches his jaw— “I know another man fucked you. I’m willing to still be with you. But I want an apology.”

So many thoughts are racing through my head, I can’t pin a single one down and focus on it.

I’m sorry for being raped, Ryan. I’m sorry I was beaten half to death while my mother watched and didn’t do a damn thing to save me. I’m sorry I watched my mother being raped in return. I’m sorry that an evil man is attached to me and will do anything to hurt me. And I’m sorry you’re just like him.

“I’m sorry, Ryan,” I say softly. If I speak any louder, he might detect the emotion in my voice. He’ll hear the anger. The disgust. The absolute shame that I’ll never learn. I always come crawling back to him.

His fingers brush a stray strand of hair from my face and tucks it behind my ear. I shiver beneath his touch.

He thinks it’s because he excites me. I think it’s because he disgusts me.

“I forgive you, baby. We all make mistakes. But just because I forgive you, that doesn’t mean I will ever forget. Do you understand that?” he asks, his voice quiet and steady. Sinister and unforgiving.

“I understand.”

He smiles, his perfect teeth poking through. He doesn’t have sharp canines like Mako does. His two front teeth aren’t a tad longer than the rest. They look like veneers. What did his teeth look like before a dentist made them perfect little squares in his lying mouth?

“I’m sorry I hit you, River. I’m sorry I yelled at you. And I’m sorry that I didn’t come get you before you embarrassed yourself all over my couch.” I nearly see red by the time the last words slip past his stupid fake teeth. “And I’m sorry I fucked my secretary.”

The red bleeds into an icy blue as my blood runs cold. “You… you fucked someone else?”

He scoffs. “You didn’t think I wouldn’t after you let someone else inside you? Come on, River. It was only fair I got even. And now that I have, we can be happy again. You won't go to Shallow Hill anymore, and I'll fire that slut.”

Oh, sweet Ryan, yes you will.

“Okay,” I whisper. I look into his eyes and force a brittle smile. “That’s fair.”

The smile he returns can only be called evil. Just like him.

Good thing I can be, too.

r />

THE SHRILL RING FROM my phone startles me. I drop the coffee mug I’m washing, and it shatters into the sink. Ryan liked that mug. Anxiety rushes through me as I try to figure out how I’m going to explain how it broke. Maybe he won’t notice.

Stupid.

He uses this mug every day.

My hands shake as I wipe my hands on a dish towel quickly and answer the phone without looking who it is. “Hello?”

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

“Where are you?”

I close my eyes and release a weighted sigh. It’s only been two days since I came back to Ryan. Mako called me both days and it’s been absolute hell trying to hide them from Ryan. I also skipped class so he couldn’t find me there. I’m hiding from Mako, and he knows it. He knows exactly where I am.

“You can’t just call me, Mako.”

Good thing I never saved his phone number in my phone. I deleted all evidence of him. Surprisingly, Ryan hasn’t asked where I stayed during the week apart. I know he went looking for me at Amelia’s. She told me he showed up, and she slammed the door in his face, not confirming nor denying if I was there. I think he just assumed I was.

That’s where I wish I would’ve gone.

“Why? Because you’re back with him?”

The sound of water splashing on the tiled floor filters through my racing thoughts. I whip my head to see the sink overflowing with water.