Shallow River

I press the soft fabric into my face and sniff.

Perfume. Just a hint of it. But enough to know that Ryan is a liar. I bet he didn’t fire his secretary. Even if he did, he must’ve hired a pretty new thing quickly and charmed her onto his cock already.

Oh, sweet Ryan, now you’ve really made me mad.

You’ve made me really, really… mad.

My knees drop to the ground, no longer capable of holding my weight. My chest heaves as something like panic seizes my heart in its cold, unforgiving claws. My face contorts as tears spring to my eyes. So hard—I try so hard to keep it in. A single sob breaks loose, destroying the fragile dam. More sobs follow suit as a sharp pain stabs at my chest.

I’ve given him everything. All of me. Everything I had in me was handed over on a silver fucking platter. My heart in the middle of the tray, bleeding openly for him. And he took a knife and ripped it apart anyway.

I press the shirt to my face, holding the unknown perfume to my nose, forcing myself to never forget what he’s just done to me. Refusing to allow myself to justify his actions, to forgive. I’ve done so much forgiving, and all for nothing. Fucking nothing.

I allow myself a solid minute of gut-wrenching sobbing before I calm, slowly but surely. My tears dry, my hear slows and something settles deep into my chest. I’m not sure what it is, but it’s cold and hard and takes all of the feelings I had for Ryan and sucks them up like a fucking Dyson vacuum cleaner. It’s like they were never even there. Everything shifts, hardens and then numbs.

Everything he’s done to me, everything I’ve forgiven him for are no longer forgivable. Not the hitting, the mental gymnastics, the living in fear and anxiety. All of it. No more.

And most importantly, I forgive myself. Ever since the day in the library with Mako, I’ve been beating myself up. Agonizing because I’m a cheater and a whore just like Ryan has always accused me of being. I couldn’t eat or sleep for the last few days.

And for no reason. Because Ryan has been cheating on me all along anyway. I don’t feel so bad for betraying someone who was betraying me far before fucking Mako was even a consideration. Ryan has never deserved my loyalty. I mean really, what has he done to deserve it?

I can’t believe I actually stayed this long. I can’t believe I let him treat me this way. The physical and sexual aspect isn’t even the worst part, it’s the fucking mind games he played. It’s not just mental abuse, it’s mental warfare and can be more dangerous than a raised hand. The gaslighting and manipulation is what convinces victims to stay and endure. They train you to protect yourself, ultimately changing every part of you until you no longer recognize yourself. You’re a prisoner in your own home. There are limitations on where you can go, how long you stay out, who you’re allowed to see, and god forbid you hang out with anyone without their supervision. Too scared to look nice in fear of accusations of cheating. But you’re going to leave the house looking like that? God, you’re embarrassing, put some make-up on at least. But only wear it when I’m around, otherwise you’re trying to impress other men.

You’re dressed up, who are you looking nice for?

Do you want men to look at you like that? Do you want them to fuck you?

Please, baby, I get so worried that someone better is going to come along and take you away from me.

You’re too good for me. I don’t deserve you.

You’re going to the store? Why, to cheat on me? Are you going there to flirt with other men?

You’re out with your friend? I bet you’re talking about other guys. Why would you hang out with them without me, what are you hiding?

A year ago, there wouldn’t be a goddamn person on this planet that could convince me I’d let myself get to this point. That I’d let a man hit me. That’s what everyone always says, right? I’d never let a man hit me. You don’t even realize that’s what has happened until it’s too late. You’ve already been pushed down the stairs and slapped across the face. There’s already hand and fingerprint bruises marring your arms and neck. And you’ve already told yourself he won’t ever do it again. That he’s sorry. He’s stressed. You were wrong. Bad, bad girl. Feel guilty for making him lay hands on you. You deserved that. Leave? He’ll kill himself. No one will ever love you the way he does, and you love him, too. You don’t want him die.

Even if he wants you to.

I drop the shirt back into the hamper. If he was smart, he would’ve had a spare shirt on him and tossed this one in a dumpster somewhere. Or maybe he just doesn’t give a fuck if I see it or not. So, what if I do? What will I do? Leave him?

Don’t worry, baby, I won’t leave you.

I strip off my clothes and throw them in the hamper on top of his dirty shirt. Opening the door quietly, I walk into the steam-filled room. Sweat immediately breaks out on the back my neck as I walk towards the walk-in shower. I see the distorted image of his naked body through the frosted glass. His arms are lifted as he rinses out his hair.

Sliding open the door, I step in and close it behind me. He doesn’t bother looking at me yet. So confident. He doesn’t see me as a threat. I cock my head. How badly I want to change that. Make him fear my presence, tremble when I come near.

His head is tilted back as suds of soap trail down his muscular body in a stream of hot water. Ryan’s body is beautiful. He takes care of himself, goes to the gym often and eats healthy for the most part. He’s lean with sinewy muscles and tanned skin.

Though he possesses a work of art, it’s still nowhere near as beautiful as Mako’s. Where Ryan is lean, Mako is packed with muscle. I look over my boyfriend.

I much prefer his brother.

Ryan doesn’t deserve to possess such a beautiful body. Not his, and not mine.

I step into him, shivering at the clash of hot water and the chill air.

“Did I upset you?” I whisper, trailing my finger down his chest and to his abs. I stop just before I reach his dick, already at half-mast. I stare down at him. He’s not small, a little above average. Before I saw it as something I didn’t mind worshipping. Now, I want to wrap my mouth around it and bite until it’s detached from his body.