Shallow River

I give her a sheepish smile. “You’s got some s’plainin’ to do,” she sings with a look that says you’re-so-in-trouble.

Mako looks back at me, a sinful smirk on his face. The way he looks at me can only be described as dirty—with his salacious smirk and heated eyes. And with Amelia watching the interaction very intently, it makes me want to wipe the look off his face with a Clorox wipe and then spray him in the eyes with Lysol for good measure.

I clear my throat and look back at Amelia with the most innocent smile I can muster. Which isn’t saying much when nothing about me has ever been innocent.

“Mako here has enlisted himself as my personal knight in shining armor, no matter how much I’ve tried to show him I’m the dragon,” I explain. Amelia cocks an eyebrow.

“Yeah? And how long as he been trying and failing to save you?” she asks, her tone almost condescending. Amelia knows as well as I do that I’ve never been one to accept help. Doesn’t matter if you’re a six-foot-five beast with bear paws for hands, I will drop kick you in the balls if it means you’ll stop trying to save me. Seems I always end up just wanting to fondle his, but the message has at least been said.

“Too long,” I mutter. I’ve yelled in Mako’s face, and even slapped the damn sexy work of art, and alas, he still persists. So, it looks like I’m just going to have to drop kick him in the balls next… and then maybe fondle them.

“River has made it perfectly clear she can take care of herself. Despite her badass abilities, what I’ve made perfectly clear is that I’m not going anywhere until I know she’s safe. And if you take a look at Exhibit A”—he points to my bruised face— “that hasn’t happened yet.”

I open my mouth to show him the exhibit my foot is about to disappear into when Amelia cuts me off. “Okay children. Clearly this has been going on for a while.” She shoots me a dirty look. “I think it’s clear River is in a tough situation and it’s not always easy to leave right away, no matter how much we want her to.”

My shoulders relax with Amelia’s unexpected understanding. Sometimes I forget Amelia had a rough childhood, too. She grew up with an alcoholic, abusive father. Even after she turned eighteen, she stuck around to try and take care of him until she left for college. To this day, she still struggles with her love for him.

The biggest misconception with survivors of abuse is that they’re making a choice to stay. Anyone in our situation would leave if it was that easy. But when someone is threatening your life on a daily basis, sometimes staying seems like the safer choice. Even if you know it’ll kill you one day.

The unpredictable abuse is still predictable, and that can be a little less scary than trying to rebuild a life on your own with the constant fear that this person is going to come after you and snatch it away. All that hard work—gone. And sometimes your life, too.

“I’m going to leave you two to work out whatever tension you have going on here. River, I expect a phone call later,” Amelia announces, still eyeing mine and Mako’s odd interaction. How I could be thinking about another man when the current one in my life is using me for a punching bag is beyond both of us. But it’s happening. And I’m not really sure how the hell to stop it.

Or if I want to.

Amelia hugs me goodbye, gives Mako one last onceover and walks towards her car. I pivot towards the most frustrating man I’ve ever met.

“What do you want now?” I whine, taking up Amelia’s position and planting my hands on my hips. It takes several swallows to shove the lump back down my throat when I remember that I could look like Amelia in a few months too. A rounded belly to look down on and haunt me.

His eyes narrow, but nevertheless, he doesn’t sass back. Instead, he stuffs his hands in his pockets and skirts his eyes over campus.

“I just want to help you, River. That’s all,” he says finally.

I cock an eyebrow. “You don’t want to fuck me?”

Emerald green eyes piston towards me, shining like freshly polished gems. The same salacious smirk glides across his beautiful face, and fuck me, if my heart doesn’t stop and speed up all in the same breath.

“I do want to fuck you, and not only do I want to, but I will fuck you,” he says boldly. My heart drops at the promise. I hate that my pussy grows wet in response. But I love it even more. “But that’s not why I want to help you. I can’t woo you and show you what a real man is like if you’re dead.”

Can’t help but respect someone who is as blunt as I am. I tap my foot and purse my lips, contemplating this man’s intentions. Aside from the library incidences, he’s never made any indication that he wants to steal me away for his own personal gain. There’s no denying what he’s done for me. Taking Bilby will always be something I’ll be grateful for. Keeping my cat safe means more to me than I am capable of expressing.

“How’s my baby?” I ask, changing the subject away from me.

“He’s still adjusting. You never said what exactly happened, but I think he’s still recovering. He’s very… cautious.”

The fact that my loving bundle of fur is now reduced to distrust is heartbreaking. I haven’t gotten the chance to visit him yet, but the second I do, I’m going to shower him with so much love, he won’t know what to do with it.

“He sleeps with me at night, though,” Mako continues, sensing my plummeting mood. “He’s coming around, River. He’s going to be okay.”

I nod my head as I chew on my lip, forever worrying about him. The guilt will never go away.

Mako glances around, my eyes following the same track.

We’re out in the open and Ryan only graduated a few years ago before he left for law school. He was very popular and never let any of his college friends completely go. Many times, Ryan-the-big-shot would meet up with his college buddies on campus or show up to college parties. People know him. They know me. And whether they know Mako or not, they can easily tattle and tell Ryan I’m speaking to another man. A very large, very attractive male. One who keeps looking at me like I’m the icing he likes to lick off his cupcake.

“I need to go home,” I say instead.

“Let me take you out. Somewhere that’s not a library, as much as I do enjoy those.”