He shakes his head frantically, “Stop it! Just… just fucking stop! I don’t have anything. You want to know why, River? You’re not the only one who was raped when they were young, okay?” My heart freezes. My breath stills.
“By who?” I choke out.
His face is nearly purple, rage potent in his face and words. In his very being. Ryan is rage. He’s made of it.
“Daddy dearest.”
I close my eyes as my heart splinters. Despite how much I loathe Ryan, tears spring to my eyes anyway. Tears of heartbreak for the little boy. I know all too well how it feels to be betrayed by your own flesh and blood. All too well.
“Matt?” I ask, my voice hoarse. I don’t know why I asked. He doesn’t have another father. But Matt? Sweet, boisterous Matt? The same man who always has a smile on his face. Who’s always laughing and so, so kind? It doesn’t compute in my brain.
I had once said that Matt had somehow held onto his morals, despite being such a notorious lawyer.
It seems I was wrong.
“Yes, Matt,” he fumes, spitting out his name like a curse. “That vile piece of shit was sucking my dick at eight years old. And some fucked up part of me thought it was normal. And then Mako came along. He started beating me then. I wasn’t like Mako, so I was punished for it. He was the golden child. The one Dad refused to touch because he knew Mako would tell. Mako didn’t take shit from anybody and I was the weak, little boy who got fucked every night.”
Tears track down my cheeks.
I get it. I get Ryan’s hatred that has consumed his heart and soul. I get his hatred for Mako. Why he feels the need to assert power over women. He felt powerless his entire life, and his revenge was to make other people feel like he did. He wants everyone else to suffer for the shitty hand he was dealt.
It’s wrong. Disgusting. But I get it.
“Are you sorry for how you treated me?” I inquire softly. “For making me feel like how your father made you feel?”
Right as I ask the question, I also ask myself if I will let him go if he says yes. Now that I understand Ryan for the first time, I’m scared of what I’ll do.
He mulls over my question, burning rage still lit in his eyes. After a moment, Ryan speaks. “I enjoyed every single second of it, River. I will never be sorry. Women are weak and powerless. If I had to suffer for being those things, then so do all of you. I refuse to be sorry for that.”
No wonder why his blue eyes were always so dull. He doesn’t have any soul left in him. Matt took that from him.
He took everything from Ryan, and now he wants to take everything from me.
“You think I’m weak?” I whisper, confused by his observation—and a little hurt, too. I’ve been anything but weak.
His eyes turn mocking, but they no longer affect me. Neither does his empty words. “I’ve hit and raped you and you keep running on back to me, tail tucked between your legs like a good little bitch. You’re so, so weak.” His body shakes from the building rage. “You’re stained, River. No one will love a dirty slut that came from Shallow Hill. Especially not one that’s had more cocks inside her than a whore in a brothel.”
I smile slowly, his words oh so similar to the ones Billy told me not so long ago.
I’m stained.
I’m also other things too.
Broken.
Scarred.
Traumatized.
Strong.
Fierce.
Vengeful…
Rising the knife to his chest, I press the blade down and drag, eliciting sweet, sweet moans of pain. He stays still—having already learned that thrashing about only makes the cuts worse. I don’t feel weak right now. I imagine I feel a lot like how he felt when wringing moans of pain from my mouth.
Leaning forward, I brush my lips across his ear and croon, “Your brother will love me.” I pause, the knife still lodged in his flesh when I back up enough to ensnare his eyes in mine. They’re wide with shock and my smile grows in response.