And it was time I found my own.
Chapter Twenty-Three
I’d never been any good at keeping secrets. In fact, I was pretty horrible at it. So when I begged Mom to take me to the coffee shop down the street Saturday morning, without a good reason why, she interrogated me the entire walk as if I were suspected of robbing a bank.
“What’s so important to drag me out of bed at 9 a.m. on a Saturday?” she prodded, giving me a suspicious smile. “Why does Lexi get to sleep in?”
“Because I needed to do this by myself,” I said, opening the door to The Bean and letting her walk in first. “And...I wanted to talk to you and Dad alone.”
Mom froze, her gaze pinpointing on Dad sitting in the back of the shop with his hands around a cup of coffee. His eyes widened when he saw us, his spine straightening. This had been a surprise for him as well. I’d texted him early this morning, asking to meet. It was time we all sat down together.
“Is this some kind of intervention?” Mom asked, her expression guarded.
“Sort of. More for me than for you. Is that okay?”
She glanced over at me, her face softening. “Of course, honey. We’re still your parents and we love you.”
Her words gave me courage. After ordering our drinks at the coffee bar, we took the remaining seats around the table Dad had saved and sat in awkward silence for a full minute. Despite the fact that I’d rehearsed this conversation over and over again last night, I wasn’t sure how to continue. In fact, I was pretty sure this was what cold feet felt like, but this was step one on the Audrey 2.0 express plan, and it had to be done.
“I asked you both here because we needed to talk,” I began, staring down at the table. A crack ran through the wood, splintering off into a fork at one edge. I ran my fingertips over it, feeling the slight grooves. “For a long time, I wanted the two of you to work things out and get back together.”
“You know that can’t happen, sweetie,” Mom said, covering my hand with hers.
I nodded, swallowing down the lump that had formed in my throat. “I know. And I don’t want that anymore.”
Lifting my chin, I steadied myself. Collin had said that I was too scared to tell my dad exactly why I was so angry with him. He didn’t think I could change. But I was determined to be better than that. I would prove him wrong.
“Dad, I’ve been angry at you for a long time,” I started, glancing up into his brown eyes. He blinked at my confession, a frown pulling at his lips. “You tore our family apart. Practically married a stranger. It felt like you were starting over with a new family. A redo. It made me wonder if I wasn’t good enough for you and I think I was afraid of finding out if that was true. So I pushed you away.”
Dad’s eyes reflected my own hurt and concern. The muscles in his jaw tensed and released as I spoke, his hands fidgeting with the coffee cup in his hand. “I’m sorry, mija. I made a lot of mistakes and I won’t try to make excuses for myself. But it was never my intention to start over. Marie knows that. You and Lexi are still my little girls and I’ll love you forever.”
I tried to smile at him. “I’m glad. I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too.” He reached over and squeezed my hand.
The release of tension off my shoulders was like taking off a backpack filled with AP History textbooks. It felt good to be free of that baggage. The relief spurred me on.
“Mom, I asked you to come because I
’ve been hiding things from you, too.” Mom eyed me over her cappuccino, her gaze unsure. “I know you’ve been sad since the divorce. And I guess I felt responsible for your happiness. The only reason I joined the cheerleading team was because you said you loved it as a kid and I thought maybe it would give you something to be proud of.”
She tilted her head and frowned. “But I am proud of you, honey. So proud. You don’t have to go around worrying about me. Yes, I’ve been dealing with some issues, but that’s not your burden to bear. And I’m sorry for not making that clear in the first place.”
It felt good to hear her say that. It was nice to return to the simple role of a kid, without the worry that my mom wasn’t going to recover. I’d underestimated her. Looking at her now, I could see that she was much stronger than I’d given her credit for. All this time, I’d assumed I’d gotten my stubbornness and strength from my dad, but it was clear that I’d gotten some of it from her, too.
“I’m sorry, too.” I forced out a laugh and shook my head. “And I’m sorry, but I hate cheerleading. Savannah is a total dictator. The only reason she was able to force me into that mascot costume was because I wanted to make you happy.”
Mom laughed and covered her mouth with her fingers. “Honey, the only reason I supported you was because I thought this was something you wanted to do for yourself. I never would’ve asked you to wear that thing. It stinks like wet dog.”
“That’s what I’ve been told.” I shook my head and smiled up at the ceiling. “I have to admit, the thing’s grown on me.”
Dad gave me a wary expression. “Like a fungus? Because I wouldn’t be surprised with how old it is.”
I laughed. “No, not a fungus. But I think I’ll miss the old raccoon after football season ends.”
“Does that mean you’re quitting?” Mom arched an eyebrow. “Because if you want to, you totally have my permission. I know you and Savannah don’t exactly get along.”
I rolled my eyes. “Understatement of the century, Mom. But no, I’m not quitting. At least not yet. And I’ve got plans for Savannah, too. Don’t you worry. This is a whole new me. A whole new Audrey. I’m not afraid anymore.”