Hopeless Hero

“That’s a good thing. That wit of yours is infamous.”

“Sometimes I’m not so sure. I left Savage so that I could change. So that I could move on and grow up. What was the point if none of that happened?”

“It happened,” Zane assured. “You’re still you, but you’re more poised. You have a confidence now that you didn’t have five years ago. When I knew you, you were always just this little ball of energy. It was like you were going to burst out of your skin at any given moment. You don’t have that same energy anymore. You’re calmer now. More sure of yourself.”

“You got all that from just one conversation?”

Zane shrugged. “It was a good conversation.”

“It was,” I agreed. “I’m glad we decided to do this.”

“I’m just glad you said yes. I really didn’t think you would.”

“Why?”

“Because a part of you still hates me,” he answered bluntly.

“Hate isn’t the right word.”

“What word would you use then?” he asked, his eyes fixed on mine.

“Let’s order our food before we get into the heavy stuff,” I suggested, trying to keep my tone lighthearted. But Zane’s face told me he knew I was avoiding the question, and he was just being kind enough to let me.

We ordered wine and nibbled breadsticks while waiting for our food. Our conversation stayed light as we discussed our families. He told me about his parents moving out-of-state, and I told him that Allie had had another baby who was now almost four. He talked and I listened, and then I talked and he listened, our conversation falling into an easy and unassuming rhythm that put me at ease.

It wasn’t until our plates were cleared and the dessert ordered that things once again turned serious.

“Alicia,” Zane said, “I want you to know that despite everything, I still care about you. You may not believe it, but I never stopped thinking about you. Not once.”

I watched his eyes while he spoke and knew he meant every word. My fear escalated as I thought of the secret I was keeping from him. Over the years, I’d told myself that it was better if he never knew. I’d reassured myself over and over again that it was for the best. But sitting there with him enjoying a plate of cannoli and listening to him say how much he still cared for me, my resolve began to weaken.

For the first time, I considered telling him everything.

“Can I ask you that question again?” he asked, his words pulling me out of my head. “About hating me?”

I blinked a couple times and frowned. I laughed weakly. “I really don’t hate you, Zane. Not even close.”

“Then how do you feel about me these days?”

“Well,” I said, slowly, “when you left, I was mad. And hurt. It felt like our entire relationship was just passing time for you. Like you were just using me as a distraction until Savage Soldiers started taking up all your time.”

“That’s not—”

“Let me finish,” I said. “When I moved to New York, I was able to get some distance from this town and from the memories I had of you. I knew then that I never hated you. There were times when I wished I did, but I couldn’t. You can’t hate someone when you spent so much time loving them. I think what I felt was just resentment. I resented you for getting out first. For leaving before I could. I resented you for not asking me to go with you, and for not waiting to go with me.”

“What would you have said if I asked you to go?”

“I don’t know…I think back then, there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t have done for you.”

Zane’s eyes closed for a fraction of a second. When they reopened, I could see the pain he’d been hiding finally rise to the surface. Without thinking, I reached across the table and took his hand. He stroked my palm with his thumb.

We sat in silence, holding hands and staring at each other for what felt like hours. I knew he was remembering the same things I was—all those nights together in my room, in his room, or in our cars. Just the slightest touch made those desires flood back to the surface for us both. There was a familiar glint in his eyes, letting me know he wanted me just as badly as I wanted him.

CHAPTER 18

Zane

“Thank you for walking me home,” Alicia said with a shy smile. We stood awkwardly at the edge of her driveway.