I looked at the digital watch on my right wrist. It was just after 4:00 and I knew there was no hope of me getting any more sleep before the sun rose. Plus, my small apartment made me feel claustrophobic after the panic attack.
I needed to get out.
I donned sweat pants and a hoodie over the boxer briefs I had slept in. With my keys and cellphone in my pocket and headphones in my ears, I headed out the door.
I ran for several miles before my mind cleared and I was able to enjoy the crisp early morning air.
I returned to my apartment just after six o’clock and immediately headed for the shower to wash off the sweat. The heated water beat down on me. Bracing my hands against the tiled wall, I lowered my head down, forcing myself to think of anything other than death and war.
That’s when Anna popped into mind.
Instantly, I grew hard and my heart began to pound for an entirely different reason. I closed my eyes and imagined her face as she orgasmed on top of me. The image filled every corner of my mind, chasing away the shadows that had been there just moments ago.
I had wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of the night bringing that look of bliss to her face, but our time together had ended too soon.
After our friends with benefits agreement, she had answered her cellphone instead of continuing our interlude. After a whispered conversation that had made me all kinds of jealous, she hightailed out of my apartment without explanation.
I had failed to ask if she was seeing anyone. Consequently, I couldn’t help wondering if that was her reason for resisting our obvious connection.
She made me absolutely crazy.
Eyes still closed, I wrapped my mind in the passion we shared earlier. I remembered the hot silken feeling of being inside her snug body. I remembered the way she responded to my every touch. She had been so open and generous with her wants. With her body. In her eyes, I thought I saw my every desire, physical and otherwise, reflected back at me.
I almost came just remembering those few stolen moments. I didn’t even remember grabbing hold of myself, but I hissed from the contact of my hand on my pulsing flesh. My soapy hand gripped my swollen length tight and stroked hard. I jerked my hips to the movements, and my release rushed towards the surface.
“Anna,” I groaned as I came, the sound low and drawn out, filled with longing. My cum spurted from me, mixing with the falling water and running down the drain.
It felt like I came forever, yet it was still over too soon.
My energy suddenly depleted, I sagged against the wall and then looked down at myself ruefully. I was still hard, my appendage pulsing like an angry snake. Despite the orgasm, I was still aroused, my fist a poor imitation of Anna’s body.
After my evening with Anna, my heart told me what I already knew but didn’t want to admit—I still had feelings for her.
I was an idiot to have ever let her go, and I wasn’t going make the same mistake a second time.
My normal defenses had been down while I’d been finding satisfaction in her body. I had started imagining how things would be between us, reunited. But then I saw the regret in her eyes and knew my little fantasy was just that—a fantasy.
I was hung up on this woman like nobody’s business and all she wanted to do was get away from me.
Was this my penance for handling her heart so callously all those years ago?
I already knew she thought us being together was a mistake before she even said it. Still, when she uttered the words, it had felt like a knife to my heart. And then I’d panicked and blurted out the first thing that came to my mind.
“Let’s be friend with benefits.”
It had felt wrong to say, but having a small piece of her was better than nothing at all. So I would settle for any piece she chose to share with me.
For now.
I’d told her I would keep my emotions out of it, but I’d been fully aware that was a promise I wouldn’t be able to keep.
I needed a plan to win her over.
I got out the shower and towel-dried my body. While my mind schemed, I dressed and headed out, planning to grab a bite to eat before heading to the library to put in a few hours of studying.
Tossing my school bag onto my back, I walked out the door and closed it behind me.
It was a new day. The sun was out, and even after the terrible way the night ended with Anna, I felt optimistic.