“You mean like you’re ruining everything?”
“What?” I asked.
“I know you’re holding him at arm’s length because of the things that happened between you two, but that was months ago. At some point in time, you have to either let go and start trusting him, or tell him the two of you are simply going to be co-parents and keep pressing forward.”
“So you think I’m leading him on.”
“No. But I do think you’re scared. And I do think you’re letting that fear get the best of you. Which you don’t deserve, and neither does he.”
“I don’t know what to do. I only know that meeting his family while we’re still like this isn’t the best thing.”
“I completely agree. Which means you’ll have to sit down and have a talk with Graham,” she said. “Which means you’ll have to make up your mind.”
“On what?”
“On whether or not you want to be with him.”
I sat there picking at my salad as Joanna’s input rattled through my mind. Was I stringing Graham on like she thought I was? Like I thought I was? I wanted to be with him. I enjoyed the time I spent around him and his kids. The larger I grew in my pregnancy, the more excited I got. So why was I so scared? What was I so afraid of?
“Do you love him?”
“What?” I asked.
“Do you love him?” Joanna asked.
“I don’t… where did that…?”
“That’s what this all boils down to. Graham seems like a great guy and from what you’ve told me, he seems to really care about you. So you have to figure out if you care about him back. Do you?”
“Of course I do.”
“So you do love him?”
“I don’t… think it’s…”
Did I love him? The past few months had been a whirlwind, but could I say I loved him? I mean, whenever I laid down in my bed at night I wished he was there. Every time I woke up in his bed at his house my heart fluttered with joy. There were nights where I craved him so badly I needed to hear his voice. But was that love?
Or infatuation?
“What do you have to lose by trying to make things work with the father of your child?” Joanna asked.
“Nothing,” I said. “But I don’t want to get my hopes up, either. I did that with him once, and he dodged me for two weeks before I found out he had three kids.”
“That he dodged you because of. He didn’t duck you because he had another woman in the picture. He ducked you because his kids were sick and he wasn’t ready to tell you about them. How can you still be upset about that?”
“I’m not upset that he dodged me because of his kids,” I said.
“Then what are you upset about?”
“I’m upset that he only trusted me with them once he found out I was pregnant.”
That was really the truth. Our relationship had only really taken off after that encounter because I told him I was pregnant. How was I supposed to know if he really wanted me? Maybe he was simply doing all this because I was pregnant with his child. Maybe he didn’t care about me the way I cared about him.
Because the truth was, I did care about Graham. A lot.
“You think he’s being disingenuous because you’re pregnant,” Joanna said.
“Yes. I do. I’m so scared this is all a ruse, and that when this child comes and things get real, he’ll back away.”