Moments later, I found myself curled on the couch in front of the TV, in danger of finishing off the whole tub. I hadn’t eaten ice cream in years, having lost my taste for it sometime ago. Yet now, it tasted amazing.
As I began scraping the bottom of the container, I tried to recall the last time I’d eaten ice cream. My mind drew a blank for a while, but then I finally remembered…
It had been during my senior year of high school after I broke up with William Towly…
The break up had been
bad, primarily because I’d been so young and naïve. Will had been my first love and first loves were hard to get over. He had asked me to the homecoming dance at the beginning of the year, even after Tobias had threatened to give him a black eye to match his suit. Immediately, I’d felt that any guy not frightened away by my overprotective big brother was a keeper. My little teenaged heart had presumed that me and Will were going to be together forever. He was handsome, smart, charming, funny, and had a bit of a bad-boy edge to go along with it that had left me smitten right from the start.
We dated for almost the whole school year, right up to prom season. I had fully anticipated going to prom with him until I caught him red-handed, kissing another girl. Katie Joseph. A pretty cheerleader who half the guys in the school had a crush on.
My heart had shattered into a million pieces, and I soon realized that Will had simply been using me. Throughout our time together, he had mentioned more than a time or two exactly how far he wanted to go with me… And I had been under the impression that he would indeed be my first, whenever was ready and could work up the nerve to go through with it. But I supposed I’d been taking too long, and since he wasn’t as serious about me as I was about him, he just decided to move on to someone prettier and more willing. He hadn’t even had the decency to officially end things with me. He just stopped speaking to me cold-turkey with no explanation.
After spotting him with Katie, I’d gone home and eaten a whole tub of ice cream, half in response to my broken heart, and half in response to the fact that my period had started that day and I was just a hormonal wreck.
Never wanting to feel that way again, I swore off ice cream afterwards because the cold and sweet taste of it would always remind me of that miserable day.
Just like it currently was. It was too late to do anything about it now though, for I had devoured the whole tub.
Too late…
The word ‘late’ began to bounce around on in my head, making me uncomfortable for some reason.
I began reflecting on that day of heartache with Will again, how that heartache, the cramps, and the PMS had created the perfect storm that had me crying for the rest of the night. It was almost like how I currently felt, minus the PMS part…
The tub of ice cream slipped from my hands. I watched it roll across Tobias’s pristine floor, a steady panic growing inside of me as I realized that I’d been staying here for over a month and hadn’t had my period yet.
I hadn’t had a period since Anderson and I started…
No, a voice said sternly in my head. It’s just stress. Stress is making your period late. That’s all it is…
I so desperately wanted to believe this was the case, but another voice in my head chimed in.
How do you know though? Your period has always been like clockwork. You’ve never missed it before…
Was that nausea or morning sickness?
Climbing to my feet on shaky legs, I clambered up the stairs to my room, pulling a jogging suit on over my pajamas and then dashing out of the house, heading for the first Walgreens that I passed.
My whole body felt overheated as I walked through the aisles, looking at row upon row of pregnancy tests, overwhelmed regarding which one to get. My anxiety increasing by the second, I closed my eyes and grabbed the first three my hands landed on, and then headed to the checkout line.
A teenaged boy worked the checkout line. “Good afternoon, ma’am,” he said, pleasantly enough, and then raised his eyebrows in embarrassment as I slid the three pregnancy tests toward him. He quickly scanned and bagged them. I shoved the money at him without bothering to get my change back.
The whole time, my mind spun with panic. By the time I got back to the house, I was practically numb. I headed upstairs to my room, went to the bathroom, and sat on the cold floor for a moment, terrified.
I stared at the three pregnancy tests, suddenly afraid to open them…
Afraid to take them…
Knowing my whole life could potentially be changed forever.
You need to know though…the voice in my head reasoned.
My hands trembling, I tore open the first box.
Sure, I’d thought about having children before. What girl didn’t? I just thought that whenever it came time for me to seriously think about having children, I would be married to the love of my life and it would be a decision we’d make together. A few years ago, I had always envisioned that discussion happening with Zander. But when things started falling to the wayside with him, so did my dreams of having a family. It had taken me a while to get the strength to leave him, but I had decided long ago that he would never be the father of my children. I’d at least had sense enough to know that making him a father would have been the worst thing I could have possibly done.
But this though…