This is some sick, sick shit, that’s what this is. Sick shit.
I run my finger through my hair, catching my own reflection in the window.
“Who the fuck are you?” I ask the stranger staring back. “What kind of asshole fucks his best friend’s sister after his funeral?”
He doesn’t answer. But he doesn’t have to.
I’m that asshole.
I turn away from the stranger and flop down on Kali’s couch. Leaning over, head in hands, wondering what I should do.
Keep her? I want to keep her so bad.
Or keep Kyle?
I feel like I have to make a choice. It’s always been this way, so how could it ever be any different?
Kyle always knew I had a crush on Kali. Right back to the very first day we met. I remember that day so clearly. Like it was yesterday. My mom and I moved into the townhouse alone at first. She was dating my stepdad at that time, but still working for him. And he encouraged her to move closer to work, insisting it would be a better place for me to grow up.
And he was right. I came from this city but I do not belong here anymore.
Kali was the first kid I saw when I opened the door onto the townhouse green space and looked around. She was sitting in the grass picking buttercups. Tying them into some kind of chain. Wearing one of those perfect little-girl summer dresses I love so much.
But she looked up and smiled. “Who are you?” she said.
I stepped out onto the porch, the sunbaked concrete burning my feet a little, then hopped my way over to the cool grass and stopped, shading my eyes from the sun so I could see her better. Dark hair up in two braids that fell over her shoulders. Wide eyes and round face with pink cheeks. I felt like I had tunnel vision for a second. Like she was the only thing existing in the entire world. “Who are you?” I asked back.
I was a tough little shit back then. Fresh from an inner-city neighborhood where no one was really friendly and if they were, it was because they wanted to see if you had money and if you could be pushed around and bullied into handing it over. I wasn’t bullied, but I did my share of bullying. Fighting, too. So I was rude right out of the gate.
But she didn’t even pick up on it. I think I realized in that moment that this place was different. That these people out here lived by another set of rules. But if I didn’t realize it before she said, “I’m Kali and you should be my friend,” I did immediately after. Because that’s when Kyle came up to us and stuck out his hands.
“Hi, neighbor,” he said. “I’m Kyle and this is my sister.”
“Hi,” I said. “I’m Aiden.” But I wasn’t looking at him, I was looking at her.
And Kyle said, “You can be her friend too but you’re my friend first.”
I glanced over at him, and even though I was too young to really understand what that meant, I knew what that meant.
You’re my friend first was just eight-year-old talk for, She’s off limits.
Five minutes later we were in the woods, walking down a smooth dirt path that led to a makeshift, half-dead fort.
You’re my friend first.
The very first rule we ever lived by and so… what the fuck am I doing here?
I don’t know. But I have such an urge to go outside I quietly go back into Kali’s room, find my shirt and shoes, and get dressed.
When I stand up from putting on my shoes I see myself in the window again. But for a moment I see Kyle instead. His face staring back at me instead of mine. His voice on the phone saying, “Dude, what the fuck happened?”
And I don’t know how to answer him. I don’t know what to say. So I just say the truth. That’s all I got. “I love her.”
Kyle says nothing. I want to believe that’s because he’s not here, he’s dead. But I can’t quite manage it. Because if he were here I know exactly what he’d say.
You’re my friend first. She’s off limits.
A few minutes later I’m walking out the door.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN – KALI
I dream about us. Not just Aiden and me, but all three of us. And we are all young still, for some reason. Late teens, maybe. Right around the time I started to notice Aiden was getting muscles and hair on his face. Right about the time I started to notice he was noticing me in the same way.
That day I stepped out of the shower, I realize. That’s what I’m dreaming about. How it could’ve gone different if I hadn’t called down to Kyle. It was a mean thing to do since I was the one making a move on Aiden and not the other way around.