Lucas stopped smiling suddenly at that, and instead of answering when I asked him what I’d done wrong he plunged us into a bout of lovemaking that was really far more than I was ready to handle at my current level of experience. It was a hell of a lot better than getting in a car with him in this mood though, I supposed.
And once he’d taken the edge off and was holding me naked and sticky with sweat against his chest, he said one word that shook me out of my renewed shyness. “Jillian.”
“I’m listening,” I said.
“Her parents weren’t quite as well-off as us. The dad was working about six different jobs to have all the money they needed to keep up with her treatments, and I think her oldest sister was the same. The mother had to be around all the time to look after her. My parents did what they could, but you can’t afford to get too deep into someone else’s trouble when you’re in that situation. Sounds a bit shitty if you don’t know any better, but it’s really every miserable little family unit for themselves.” I felt his muscles harden under my head. “But there is one thing you can give away without compromising your own kid’s welfare, if you are so lucky.”
“Money.”
“There is a treatment that’s known to be successful in a lot of cases—if you can get through it without wanting to kill yourself,” Lucas said. “Lucy and Jill were approved as candidates, but it isn’t fully recognised here yet, so it attracts a significant cost. It was a bit of a stretch even for my parents to get the money together in time, but they worked out something plausible. An arrangement that would let them pay for Lucy and Jill.”
“Her family wouldn’t take it,” I guessed.
I scrambled to cover myself as Lucas sat up abruptly, but I soon forgot about modesty. “T
hey said it wasn’t their way to accept gifts like that. They said they were afraid she wouldn’t be able to take that much suffering. They never even fucking asked her.”
“But your parents wouldn’t have asked them to pay it back or anything.” I was shaking my head just thinking about it. “I can’t imagine they would. So why the problem?”
“Some people just aren’t willing to do whatever needs to be done,” Lucas said. “They won’t work as hard as they need to, or fight for what they care about, or humiliate themselves completely. They have to hold back a little. And holding back cost Jill her fucking life. Lucy went into that treatment and it nearly fucking destroyed her, but three weeks after she was done she was able to come home again. Not long after that, Jill was dead.”
“That must have been so hard on Lucy.”
“Actually,” said Lucas, “it’s not like she and Jill were ever close. She was just one of many girls who came in and out of the hospital in the time we were there. I don’t think she ever knew about my parents’ offer, either. She remembers a lot, but not from that specific time in her life.” He was staring into space. “Things actually fucking worth forgetting.”
I put my arms as far around him as I could, resting my head against the rigidity of his shoulder. I could only hope it meant something to him.
Maybe there were a lot of people in my life and on its fringes who would be unhappy with me making something work with Lucas, but I realised now I couldn’t worry about them so much. I had to do what was right for me, even if I couldn’t make other people understand it… and even if I didn’t always have all the answers I needed to be completely happy with my decision in myself.
Like Lucas was trying to tell me through Jillian’s story, I had to be willing to throw away all the reasons I shouldn’t, and take what was on offer while it was there.
“You were such a cute kid,” Lucas spoke up suddenly. I leaned back a little, suddenly no longer bothered by my state of undress, so I could see his face.
“When I first met you,” Lucas continued, “it wasn’t like what I was feeling around other girls at the time. There was just something special about you, but I never figured out what it was or what I was supposed to do about it. Everything I tried seemed wrong. I guess because I was just a dumb awkward kid at the time. I mean…” That gorgeous smile again. “I was popular. On top of the world. But around you, I felt sort of like I guess some of the kids who really aren’t popular do.”
I was pretty sure my own face was reflecting the same wonder I saw in his.
“And now?” I asked, gesturing between the two of us, hoping he saw something coming together there too and not just awkwardness and regret. “Does this seem wrong?”
“I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” Lucas said. “What would be right. But if you’re just asking me about this moment… I’d say it’s about as right as anything I’ve ever known.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
On my third sleepover at Lucas’s place, I got myself up while he was still sprawled snoring in his bed, got my clothes on, and sneaked through the house, avoiding all the areas where other members of the Starling family were likely to be, until I could make a dash for the inside door into the garage. Once there, I sat in that vast cavern and looked at our two cars, side by side.
I’d been there since about six, staring into a scene that made me feel dizzy even though neither of the cars were moving—and then I started at a hand on my shoulder.
Lucas dropped down onto the step next to me. I hadn’t even heard the door open. “Planning your getaway huh?”
I leaned into him a little. “I just like looking at our cars together like this.”
“There’s something sickeningly cute about that revelation.” And even though he made it sound like a rough joke, there was softness in his eyes. The same look he gave me when we were most closely intertwined.
Lucas wrapped an arm around me. “Hm,” he said. “You can see the fucking dent where I had the accident your friend Rob fixed up.”
“You never did tell me what happened with that one,” I murmured.
He stiffened against me—and not in the same way we’d been enjoying so much the night before. “Do you like hearing about terrible things happening to me, Callie?”