Steven, on the other hand, was dangerous. I felt my body reacting to him the way Callie’s was to Lucas’s growing proximity, and I could tell from the smirk on Steven’s face he thought I’d deliberately walked myself into this trap.
But… was I sure I hadn’t? I could have texted Callie any time and it would have been much less awkward. I knew damn well that Steven was Lucas’s best friend and that they probably spent time together after school.
“I was just leaving,” I said.
Lucas sped up a little so he could reach Callie’s side and put an arm across her. “You can come with if you want. Steven’s got training though, so he’s staying behind.”
Had Steven told Lucas something? It seemed like the answer to that might be obviously, and from the way Callie had suddenly forgotten to be tense and was staring at me with occasional peeks at Steven, she was just figuring it out. The question was, what was she figuring out and would she let me in on it?
A shiver ran up my spine, and a second later Steven was at my side. “Hey, Tamara.” He touched my arm, just for a second, and I nearly fell over.
I had to get away from here. “Sorry, my brother’s waiting to take me home. I just dropped by to say hi to Callie.”
“I’ll text you tonight,” Callie told me, already turning towards the car. If she’d worked anything out, it clearly wasn’t giving her much to worry about. Well, she spent more time around him than I ever had now, so perhaps I should see that as a sign not to worry either?
Callie probably didn’t know about the restraining order, though. Had he managed to hide it from Lucas too? I couldn’t imagine Lucas would let a girlfriend of his anywhere near Steven if he’d done something like that.
The question was, how long ago had that restraining order business been? A month or months? Years? It couldn’t be that old, I wasn’t sure they even handed those out to people under eighteen. Was it still active though? I had no way of knowing… and that meant I couldn’t begin to speculate properly on the next important question: was it reasonable for me to think he might have changed since then?
Well, the place to consider this was not standing right next to Steven. If I lingered too long he might try to invite me to come out with the group or watch his sports training another day, whatever was the done thing between a guy and girl who weren’t dating, and the one thing I did know was that I wanted to keep this under wraps for now.
I stepped away. “I’d better get going.”
But I didn’t go to Ryan immediately. Instead I hid myself in the library, which was open for a couple hours after the end of classes some days, and watched as Steven and some other guys showed up on the sports field and started setting up for training.
I sort of wished I could go out and watch properly. It seemed like a lot might be revealed about who Steven was from one of his favourite activities.
But I didn’t have any right to stay, and I had a brother waiting for me… who I knew was going to give me a few choice words about how long he’d waited already.
I turned away, ducking curious looks from Mrs. Donal, our librarian.
Mum came into my room to chat again that night, but I was ready for her.
“Do you think it’s possible for people to change?” I asked. “I mean, people who have done bad things in the past. Do you believe it’s common that those people turn their lives around and do better, or is that the exception?”
Mum began fidgeting with her dressing gown cord. “Tamara…”
“I’m just asking for Callie, mostly,” I said quickly. “I mean, I know Lucas was really young back when it happened, but he totally crushed her before when he was screwing around with her, and I guess I’m wondering what chance there is he won’t do it again.”
Mum stood, and began pacing the small amount of available space in my room, looking at anything that wasn’t me. “There must be some people who don’t just go and do the same thing they always have,” she said, “or we wouldn’t have a rehabilitation-based prison system. But I think that number is smaller than anyone realises. When it comes to non-criminal acts, things people can get away with doing over and over with no consequences… I’d say there are almost no people who ever change their tune.”
I had a feeling the next question in my head was going to really set her off, but at the same time I couldn’t seem to stop my mouth from working. “Mum, did you ever think about checking to see what… what the sperm donor did, after you left him? Did you ever see or hear from him again?”
“Never.” Mum’s voice sounded like it was coming out of frozen lips. “You know, Tamara, the colour of your walls actually makes me feel a bit sick. Maybe we should think about changing it.”
I didn’t believe that for one second: Mum had selected that colour for goodness sake, although she’d made some attempt to involve me in the process. But I let her leave, because I felt bad that I’d asked that question in the first place, and I needed some time on my own to think about what had provoked it.
Now the question was out in the world, I couldn’t put it back in my head and cover it up. I hadn’t wondered before what my biological father was doing now, what he might be like, and now I did. And it seemed to me like finding out would help me decide what I was supposed to do about Steven. My father had been about as bad as I could imagine anyone being when we’d still lived with him. If he had managed to turn things around after we’d left, there had to be hope for Steven.
Rationally, I knew there was no real connection between what my father might have done with his life, and what Steven was going to do with his. But I didn’t have any other way of deciding how I was going to move forward with Steven. There was no way to be sure.
Even if I found out my father wasn’t too bad these days, maybe that would give me confidence I could do something for Steven. With my life experience, I might be able to help him turn his life around properly.
I just had to figure out how I was going to find my father to get in contact with him. I couldn’t ask Mum or Ryan for help, and even though Mike had never really been a dad to me he always got weirdly jealous when my birth father was mentioned. I couldn’t trust him either.
First I needed his name… somehow. But that was just the first step… and I didn’t think the situation with Steven was going to hold off until I was through the rest.
Unless… there might be a way I could use this situation to maximum advantage.