“It’s okay kid,” said Steven. “I don’t think Tamara wants to get involved with someone like me actually.”
It was Jess’s turn to look away, but I didn’t miss the look on her face either. It was like she’d just found out her parents were getting divorced, for goodness sake—and considering what her parents were like, the disappointment here might be even greater.
Mum and Ryan and Mike had all come out of the house now: my fucked-up little family was as complete as I ever wanted to see it. Ryan kept glancing at Jess, which made me realise something: the two of them actually looked a bit similar, when they were unhappy.
It was all too much and Steven was right: I needed to take Jess away now. For both our sakes.
“Um, this is Jess.” I felt awkward with everyone staring at me, waiting for me to set the scene. “She’s my sister—Ryan’s sister too, you guys just haven’t met yet. I’m going to go stay with her for a few days, make sure she’s looked after. She doesn’t have anywhere else at the moment.”
“Tamara,” Mum spoke up, “you can’t leave right now. You’ve got school to focus on, Anita already let me know she caught you skipping the other day, I thought you were going to stay away from drama for the moment to try to get back on—”
“Mum, she’s my sister, not some drama. I need to help her out.” I hated Steven and Jess seeing me like this: petulant, pleading. I knew how Mum was going to be already. There was only one way things went once she decided she wasn’t in support and she had the jump on me.
Then Steven was standing between us. He didn’t give her time to start her work, he just said, “Tamara is coming with me and Jess now. I hope you’re going to let her at least take a moment to pack some things, because it’s not going to help her focus on school if she doesn’t have clean panties.”
I’d been on the bad side of Steven’s forcefulness, now I was happy to be standing behind him as he barrelled straight through Mum’s bluster.
“Whoa,” muttered Jess. “Get yourself a guy who will say ‘panties’ to your mother’s face.”
“And who do you think you are to go dictating—”
Steven spoke over Mum. “You can let her go without this fuss and maybe she’ll even keep you updated on her life, or you can fuck right off. Those are the only two options.”
Mum turned to the other men on the scene. “Ryan… Mike… you can’t just stand there and—”
“Might be best to let Tamara go do what she needs to do right now, sweetheart,” said Mike.
“You would say that, wouldn’t you? You’ve never liked my children. Couldn’t bring yourself to see them as part of your family, even though they’ve been with you for years. Is this just an opportunity for you to get one of them out of your sight for good?”
I flinched on Mike’s behalf at that, but he wasn’t going to take it laying down either. “I would give the shirt off my back for your kids, Sue, you know it’s always been that way. I’ve gone without plenty of things so they could have a nice place to live, go to a decent school…”
Ryan poked me in the arm. “Tamara, you get on inside. I’ll keep an eye on things out here.”
It was so weird to have him getting involved instead of running for his bedroom, but I didn’t have time to dwell on that or to worry about leaving him unsupervised with Steven. I bolted for my bedroom and stuffed everything I could think of in my schoolbag and a big floppy shoulder bag I didn’t seem to find much use for normally.
With the two bags bulging, I looked at the doll currently sitting on my bed, then shook my head at her. I didn’t have time to cuddle toys right now. Sorry, Charlotte.
I paused outside Mum and Mike’s room, and then pushed the door open and stepped inside. My birth certificate, conspicuous in its pattern of crumpling, was sitting on top of a stack of books on Mum’s bedside table. I stuffed it in my backpack. ‘Damaged’ in this case seemed like an either/or state.
Everything started feeling a bit unreal when I walked back out to join Steven and Jess. It didn’t seem like this could really be happening to me, that there was any universe in which I could be such a big part of the action. Tamara Hills was a troubled personality on the side, not the main character.
Jess had already gotten back in Steven’s car. Ryan kept glancing in her direction and wincing like he thought maybe he’d had something to do with it.
Mum kicked into high gear again when she saw me. “Tamara, you don’t need to take so many things, you’re not going to be gone that long…”
What I had hanging off my back and my shoulder was just a tiny part of what was left behind in my room, and now I was out of there I actually couldn’t think of one thing I hadn’t been able to bring I wanted. All the trinkets and gifts Mum was constantly buying me seemed like a wall of stuff that was being built around me, keeping me from digging my way out.
“Mum.” I tried to follow Steven’s example in dealing with her. “I might be busy with this situation a while. But I promise I’m going to be really diligent with my schoolwork still and I’ll keep you updated.”
She moved to hug me, but fortunately couldn’t get much of a grip on me while I was weighted down with bags.
Steven was leaning against his car, in a de facto standoff with my family. He was big and handsome and it seemed completely impossible to me that he was the direction I was supposed to turn in now. I didn’t really understand what he’d done to Brad to make him give up Jess that none of us could have done. I didn’t even know what Brad had done to me; surely I couldn’t take his mysteries too.
But there I was, walking towards him.
Jess and her gear were spread across the whole of the back seat like I would expect from a proper teenager, so I had no choice but to move towards Steven at the front.
He held his arms out. It took me a few se