The Sexpert

“No. No way. We’re good. In fact, there’s a real-world test we’re going to be able to run pretty soon.”

“Yeah? What is it?”

“Don’t worry about it. Just let me know when we can sync with the database.”

“OK…” He nods, turns to leave, then turns back and says, “We’re not all going to go to jail or anything, are we?”

I laugh. Because it’s what I do. “No. No, of course not.”

“OK. Because I wouldn’t do well in jail. I’m frail and I don’t punch well with my right hand.”

“You’re not going to jail, Dev. At worst you’ll just be deported.”

“Comforting. Thanks.”

And he leaves.

I take a breath and close my eyes tightly. When I open them again I look to see if my dick is still trying to escape through my jeans or if I’m good to stand up. All the talk of the Justice Department and people going to jail seems to have chilled everything out, so I feel like I’m good to go.

I need to pull myself together. I’m going to go back to my place, take a few minutes to get my head in the game, and then come back to work and be a boss. I’m gonna help Pierce, I’m gonna stop distracting myself, and I’m gonna drill down on the task at hand. Which is not this Eden girl. It’s not.

Although…

Maybe it is. I mean, maybe I should just ask her some questions. Just stuff about herself. Stuff like, “Hey, are you trying to sabotage my friend’s life’s work? And why?” Like that. Fun stuff. Small talk.

Maybe.

When I stand up to leave there’s another sudden crash of lightning, accompanied this time by a bone-shaking clap of thunder above the great, towering peaks outside.

Yeah.

Maybe.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN – EDEN

I wear the button-down shirts over my tanks for a reason. My tits are just… wow. Spectacular. I mean, I’ve watched a lot of porn over the past year for Sexpert research so I’ve seen lots of tits. Like thousands, probably. And mine rank right up there in like the top one percent of spectacular tits.

It’s truly my one… hmmm, what to call it. Body gift, I guess. Because my hair is too thick, and my ankles are too skinny, and my hips are a little bit bigger than they should be, and no matter how much I diet, I have this hint of an extra chin.

Lots of guys have said they find it cute, but they can fuck off. I hate it. I hate my skinny ankles, and my wide hips, and yes, when your hair is too thick you can’t even put it up in a regular hair tie. You need those big jumbo scrunchies.

My tits are perfect. They’re not too big, not too small, not too soft, and not too hard.

My point is—people look at them if I don’t cover them up properly. They can’t help but look.

That night that Zoey and I came up with the Sexpert we knew right away we’d have to exploit my biggest assets. But the way I see it… what good is an asset if you can’t exploit it?

“Where are you going?”

I look up, startled by Myrtle’s voice coming from the open door of the stairs. “I’m going home to change my shirt,” I say quickly. “The buttons…” I look down at the missing buttons and think about the way Andrew just accidentally popped them all off. “I just need a new shirt. Why are you down here?”

“I was gonna ask if you’d like to go check out the new baloney sandwich lunch truck.”

“Who the hell eats baloney sandwiches? I feel like this is a cartoon joke. Like Bugs Bunny talking about liverwurst.”

“Liverwurst is delicious,” Myrtle purrs.

“I don’t even know what liverwurst is, Myrtle. And nothing with liver in the word is delicious. I’m gonna pass on the BS.” She likes that. Because she grins. “But I’ll take a rain check and we’ll have lunch tomorrow if you want.”

I’m crossing my fingers that she doesn’t ask to come look at my apartment. Not that I don’t want to show it off, I do. And I need to have a little party soon for that. But today I’m all kinds of flustered and I just want a moment alone to try to make sense of all the new things happening in my life.

“Oh,” she says. “I’ll ride down with you.” And then the elevator doors open and by some fortuitous miracle, there’s no one else on board when we get in. She flashes her employee badge at the card reader near the floor buttons and presses one. “What’s that?” I ask.

“It’s an override so the elevator goes straight down. Pierce gave it to me for Administrative Professionals Day last year.”

“Huh,” I say, momentarily confused. Because it’s weird how you don’t know things and you never knew you didn’t know them. Like this perk she has. It’s a tiny secret superpower people never knew existed.