The Sexpert

“Right.”

I let out a breath. I’m not sure what feeling I’m letting out with it. “OK. So, y’know… It’s probably Myrtle, like Pierce thinks, and this week I’ll be able to do the voice test and tell him for sure.”

She nods a little. I can feel her getting hot. Physically. It’s radiating off her.

“Or, shit,” I say. “Who knows? Maybe Pierce will get over it by tomorrow and be on to some new folly. He’s like a dog with a bone, but when he finds a newer, bigger bone, he’ll drop the one he’s chomping down on. He’s mercurial.”

She shrugs. “Yeah.”

It’s awkward now and I know why and I don’t wanna know why and I wanna forget the whole thing has come up and just eat cake and enjoy a round of pin the tail on the whatever-the-fuck. I decide a reset is necessary.

“Hey.” I take her by the shoulders and give her a kiss on the forehead. “You wanna get out of here? Go… I dunno. Get our trucks oil changes? Or something?”

She grins and says, “Yeah,” in her small voice.

“Cool. Lemme just run to the restroom and we’ll jet. K?” She nods again. “Be right back,” I say, giving her another kiss. On the lips this time.

On my way to the bathroom I try not to think about all the things that want to weasel their way in. Instead I focus on not stepping on the kid toys that are all over the place and the kids who are also all over the place.

“’Scuse me. Is the restroom in there?” I ask the two tattooed moms playing with their kid in the hall. They’re making goo-goo ga-ga sounds and blowing bubbles on his tummy and stuff and he’s laughing.

“Yeah,” the one mom says.

“But we did just change him in there, so you may wanna wait,” says the other.

“Thanks for the heads up. I’ll see if I can handle it.”

I smile, they smile, and we all have a good titter over how filthy children are.

Walking into Zoey’s bedroom, I notice that the Old West design aesthetic may not just be for the party. Must be a Colorado thing. There’s wood paneling on the walls and the door to the bathroom isn’t a regular door. It’s a sliding barn door. As Cheryl the leasing agent might say, “How rustic.”

I slide the door to the bathroom open and…

I blink.

I look to the left.

I blink.

I look to the right.

I blink.

It’s not the bathroom.

It’s the closet.

Except it’s not just the closet.

It’s also the set for the Sexpert video channel.

It’s immediately recognizable.

OK.

OK.

OK.

Fuck!!

Fuck fucking fuck!

She fucking lied to me! She lied to me twice! She’s lying to me right now!

Fucking fucking fucking fuck!

OK. OK. It’s not the end of the world. Don’t blow it out of proportion. She’s scared because Pierce is crazy, and I totally get that and that’s justified and maybe now we can just talk about it and she can explain and it’ll all be fine.

Don’t get pissed. Don’t freak out.

Don’t overreact.

“I gotta go.”

Eden turns to look at me and the smile that was on her face disappears.

“What? Why?” she asks.

“I just… Work. Dev texted me and there’s a thing and… I gotta go in.”

“But—”

“Look, I gotta go, OK? I’ll call you.”

I start past her and she grabs my arm.

“Andrew, wait.”

I stop, take a breath and look at her. I know my eyes are cold, but I can’t help it. “Yeah?”

“Do you really have to go to work?”

I take a beat to look at her. I want to touch her. I want to kiss her. I want to stroke her cheek. But I don’t. Because I can’t. Like I said, the one thing you could always count on with my mom… At least when she stuck the blade in, she’d do it to your face.

“Do you?” she asks again. “Do you have to go to work?”

I close my eyes. I open them. “Yeah,” I say.

And with that I pull my arm free and take off to see if I can figure out any way to outrun this avalanche that’s now starting to come tumbling down.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE – EDEN

“So I should call him?” Zoey and I are talking in circles. We’ve been going back and forth about the merits and demerits of playing hard to get for the last five minutes as I walk to work.

“Well…” Zoey hesitates, trying to be thoughtful. Which I appreciate. Because I’m still trying to wrap my head around what happened on Saturday. “I don’t know, Eden. I mean… if he’s going to be a flake like this, should you bother with him?”

It’s a valid question. And as my best friend, Zoey is obligated to ask it. Because Andrew just left me at the party. I had to get a ride home from Zoey after everyone left. And then he didn’t return my calls or anything.