The Sexpert

“Like you are now?”

“Nah, man, I’m just young. I’ve never been an idealist and I’m definitely not an artist. I’m a scientist.”

“You think?”

“Yeah. I’m not like you, Andrew. I just like to make stuff. You… You pour your whole heart into everything. Which is cool. I appreciate your passion.”

“You do?”

“Sure. It’s funny to watch you care about stuff. Because at the end of the day, I just don’t give that much of a shit.”

He’s right. I do pour my whole heart into whatever I do. I can’t help it. My art, my work, my climbing, my friends, my loves, my losses. It’s who I am. I wish it wasn’t sometimes. But it is.

I look at him standing there, gangly and wise beyond his years.

“You’re not at all like what I expected you to be when I hired you, Dev.”

He smiles, his hand on the door to my office. “Sure, man. Nobody ever is.” And he leaves.

I laugh to myself a little and stand to look out my window. There the mountains are. Unmoving. Steady. Reliable. Maybe that is why…?

Ahhh. Fuck it. Who gives a shit?

My email dings.

I sit back down at my desk and look. The subject line says, “For Andrew.” I open the email and there’s a link along with a note that says, “No sugar coating. No frosting. Just what’s underneath. The password is CUPCAKES. ~S.P.”

I almost hit ‘delete’ as a reflex, like I’m now conditioned to do when I think something might be spam. But then I read it again.

And I click the link.

It takes me to a private video page.

I enter the password.

A familiar site greets me on the screen. The two most perfect breasts I’ve seen in my life. And a familiar voice. An actually familiar voice. Not Sultry Siren. But still… a sultry siren.

“Hey,” she says. And then she pivots the camera so that her face fills the screen instead. “It’s me. As you can see. Can you? Hold on.” Then her hand covers the lens as she fiddles with adjusting the angle. I shake my head and smile in spite of myself. “OK. Is that better? Can you see me? I think you can. So, uh, hi. Which I just said. But still. Hello.”

She takes a breath and I squint my eyes because I dunno… I’m afraid?

I dunno.

She goes on.

“It’s me. Eden. The Sexpert. Which is incredibly ironic. Because I’m not. I’m just… not. The Sexpert is an idea. Something that seemed like it might be fun, or funny, or maybe even a stepping stone to something else. Which it was, for a while, until it wasn’t. And I’m sorry that it got all confused and messed up and that your friend thought that I stole his idea and…”

She takes a breath and gets a hint of the pout that just about does me in.

“You didn’t tell me the whole story. The whole story about you and Pierce.”

How the hell does she know?

“You’re probably wondering how the hell I know. Pierce came by today. And… oh! And he and I have worked out a deal! I’m going to consult for him. I’d tell you it’s because he knows he doesn’t have a legal leg to stand on and that I told him I’d bury him in court. But I don’t know if he does, actually, and I wouldn’t, definitely. So… turns out that your friend, my old boss, is just kind of an OK guy. But you probably knew that.”

Depends on the day. But yeah.

“And I know you told me that stuff about him being there for you when you needed him and everything, but you didn’t tell me about how you slept with that girl he liked. And you didn’t tell me that’s how you became sober. And you didn’t tell me that Pierce became sober too, just so you wouldn’t have to be sober alone. That’s… I mean, that’s some real, real friendship there. So…” She pushes her glasses up her nose. “I get it. I guess. I get why you…” She starts gesturing with her hands like she’s trying to summon up the words she wants to use but can’t find them.

And she knocks the camera over.

“Shit.” She fumbles with the camera for a second and when she gets it set back up, it’s pointing at her boobs again. “Dammit.” She tries to adjust it, but I guess it’s stuck or something. “Shit. It’s stuck or something.” She bends down so that her face now fills the lens. “OK. I thought this would be a cute, fun idea, but now it seems stupid. Just… Just call me.”

And then the screen goes dark.

I can’t call her. She blocked me.

Or maybe she didn’t anymore. So…

I grab my cell and dial her number.

“Hello?”

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

There’s a long pause. Then she goes on…

“Did you watch it?”

“Obviously.”

“Why obviously?”