In to Her

“No,” he says, sighing. “I had no power to save you back then, Yvette.”

“And you do now?”

He doesn’t say anything but I know he’s shaking his head no.

“Don’t listen to him,” AJ whispers into my ear. “He has no clue what he can and cannot do yet. He has no idea how powerful he is because he’s never tested it. He’s never rocked the boat. Have you, Logan?”

Puzzles and codes. That’s what AJ gives me. And it’s too complicated. I thought he was the simple one but I guess I was wrong.

Logan sighs and turns over. Turns his back to me as he hugs the pillow. “See ya in the morning.”

We’re all silent for a while. My eyes close and begin to get heavy. My mind’s eye swirls with weird geometric patterns as sleep creeps over me like a spider. And that weird sensation of falling I have just before I drift off takes over.

But AJ brings me back with a soft kiss to my cheek.

Why is he acting this way? What am I to him? Why does he care?

“Ya know,” he whispers softly, “I didn’t think there was anything left for me either. I hide it better than most. Better than you, for sure. Maybe not as well as Logan. But I’ve been there too. And I’m really happy I finally got to meet you today.”

I squirm in his embrace. Turn over so we’re face to face. Place my palm on his cheek and whisper, “Thank you.”

He nods his head and closes his eyes. “Any time, cookie. Glad to help.”

Chapter Eighteen – LOGAN

It’s not like I don’t want out. It’s not like I don’t wish for more. It’s not like I haven’t fantasized about having my own family. A wife, kids, minivan—well, not a minivan. Not even for my wife.

But a… a Suburban. Or a Tahoe. Some too-big SUV that’s actually necessary because I have shit to haul around, and kids to cart to classes, and maybe, every now and then, we buy a piece of furniture and I’m glad I have all that cargo space because I can stuff a couch or an armchair back there and don’t have to pay for delivery.

It’s just… I have forged a path and there’s no fork in the road. There’s no way out that I can see.

I mean, come on. My best-laid plan is to wait for some random second cousin to get sick of Damon’s shit and blow his head off.

That’s not a plan.

So what the fuck can I do?

If I kill her, I lose AJ. I see that now. He’s gone round some bend and he’s not coming back.

Which is fine for him. Hell, I was supposed to kill him too. So there’s no life waiting for him back home.

But if I kill them, and go home, and wait things out—there’s a chance. A small one, but still, a chance that I might find another path to travel in some unknown future.

If I don’t kill them… there’s no way I can’t kill them. There is no possible scenario where I don’t do my job because then we’d all be alive. And worse yet, Damon would know we’re all together. He’s got resources. He’s waited this long to send us after Yvette, he’ll wait forever to get revenge on Aje and me if that’s what it takes.

I think I’ve figured out why he sent me to do this too. Why he told me to get rid of AJ. It’s not that he hates AJ. It’s not even that AJ is incompetent, because he’s not. Losing the money wasn’t his fault. It was just someone else’s fuck-up that got pinned on him.

Damon sent me here and told me to kill AJ because he wanted to see if I’d do it. He’s testing me.

I know what they call me. Logan the Loyal. And I know it’s sarcasm because I truly do not have loyalty to anyone. That’s God’s honest truth. So if I fail I’d be proving him right. He’d just shoot the minute I stepped through the door.

But if I succeed, if I follow through and obey orders, well, that changes everything for me. That puts me in a position to rise. Gives me more freedom. More options for later. More ways to get out.

But then I have to ask myself… how long can I keep doing this? And I have to ask myself… what will be there on the other side of waiting? When I finally do make it out?

Nothing.

So I totally understand Yvette’s defeatist attitude.

Maybe I should be the one taking those fucking pills?

“Stop it,” AJ murmurs. “You’re starting to piss me off.”

“What?” I say, turning over on my back so I can stare up at the ceiling.

“Thinking,” he says. “I’m tired of it.”

I’m tired of it too. I’m tired of all this shit. And the worst part is… I want something else. Something more. And I’m stuck.