For two men, I had real feelings. Not the kind that only last a week, and not the kind that only exists around sex. The kind that were in my heart, eating me alive. It was way too much to handle, almost too much to bear.
“Why do you like doing this? Your work, I mean.” I cleared my throat.
“I like fixing things up. It’s fun.”
“That’s it? It’s fun?” I giggled. He smirked and cocked his head to the side.
“What else is there? I’m a real simple man, Adley.” He grinned. I felt myself go weak in the knees.
“I don’t know. There aren’t many people who even enjoy their job, let alone say it’s fun.” I sighed. He leaned closer with a concerned look in his eyes.
“Is that how you felt about your job?”
“It was barely a job.” I sighed.
“Are you okay?” He rested his hand on my hip. I swallowed and feigned a smile.
“I’m fine, don’t worry about me.” I lied.
It was like Levi knew I had gone off somewhere and kissed me to bring me back to the present. His hot, searing kiss claimed my body all at once and it was like coming alive again. I clutched his sides, wide and hard with muscle as he deepened the kiss. My tongue was so tired from kissing, but I returned it still until he released me. Breathless. Panting.
“Hmm.” I leaned against the car and looked into his eyes with what I was sure was a dreamy expression.
“You’re the cutest little thing, Adley. Drive safe.” He stepped away from me and it was like all the heat from my body released at once and left with him, but I was still all mushy inside from them both.
“Okay.” I laughed and got in the car.
He waved as I drove off and I had an odd smile on my face the whole way back to the hotel. I didn’t want to admit it then but I was dreading being back in that hotel room. Or checking my email and finding more daunting news. Or doing anything but be away from Levi and Tate.
I knew I shouldn’t be getting so clingy so fast, but I couldn’t help it. My heart was torn and I didn’t know what I really wanted. I definitely didn’t know what they wanted. Was this just casual to them? I had no clue. And some things they would say would make me think otherwise, and then I would be confused all over again.
I walked in the hotel and returned all the smiles given to me. People were nicer here than in New York City, and it was refreshing. Once in my room, I got in the shower immediately and felt much better after washing from head to toe.
I settled into bed despite the early time and watched television. There were Law & Order reruns to keep me busy. But I wasn’t paying
much attention to it. I checked my email to find something else from the attorney, something about my assets.
They were nearly nonexistent. I had always rented; the only thing I owned were clothes and furniture. My grandmother’s house would add to it, but just knowing I had nearly nothing to my name was pretty sad. Most people my age at least have a college degree, or had just secured a loan to buy their own house. I had no job, let alone a loan from anyone.
Fixing her house was the first thing. She wanted me to have it so I wouldn’t ever have to worry about a place to live, and she was right. Once it was fixed, I would feel a lot better. Or so I thought.
And I knew I had to make something of it so that it wouldn’t go to waste.
This could be my chance to start over, and live a new life. I always wanted to go to culinary school and be a baker, but I knew I didn’t have to go to culinary school to get a job in a kitchen or something. It was the only part of working at the restaurant that I even liked, getting to be around the cooking and the chefs. They all loved their job, and I wanted that for myself.
I wanted more than living in a hotel and having no job. I know I would be in the house if it didn’t need to be fixed, but I was still jobless. I should start searching for jobs, I thought. But I couldn’t get up to do anything. Laying in the bed, watching television and pretending nothing was wrong was exactly what I wanted. It felt good to pretend.
But hadn’t I been pretending my whole life? Pretending everything was okay and that I didn’t need to be like everyone else?
And now I was pretending I didn’t have feelings for two men when I did. I really, really did. I was alone in that bed and all I wanted was them there with me. To make me smile, and to make me laugh. And to make me come. They knew my body so well; every inch that would make me writhe and scream and it was so odd trusting them with my body so easily. Like nothing could keep them from giving me pleasure.
What I didn’t trust them with just yet was my heart. How could I? It wasn’t that I barely knew them, but that it was just so scary to give away a piece of myself like that. Keeping all of my feelings bottled up inside wasn’t going to be good for my health in the future. But I did want them.
I didn’t know, though, what I would actually do with myself. And I didn’t know for a while.
I stayed in that hotel for an entire week, not talking to anyone. Not even Tate or Levi. It was time to focus on me. To figure out my next move. I didn’t know how, and I wasn’t sure what to even say. Perhaps it wasn’t fair of me to disappear on them or ignore their messages. But feelings, emotions, rational things that normal adults could handle—I was never very good at it.
Having feelings for two men at the same time was not normal. And I didn’t know if I could survive it.